Last night was bad. I have vices- my healthy vices &
unhealthy ones. I used every healthy vice I know- 90s movies, counting crows, painting, baking,
cooking, and sitting around in weird clothes (overalls.) I even considered
cleaning. Nothing would help. Sometimes the sadness comes and it just won’t
leave me. I can’t explain it & I don’t think you’d understand unless you
deal with that, the leftovers from the past. The mess doesn’t just go away with
time; it’s a part of you. Part of me finds comfort in that because it means the
things that hurt me matter. The other part of me just wants the pain to go
away.
After finding no comfort in my vices I did something
revolutionary. Something I’ve been told for years in the church & in the
program……. I thought of someone else more than myself. I took my pain and
thought of others who shared that pain. I offered them my freshly baked cookie
bars & gormet mac n cheese. I finally felt relief.
I know sometimes the pain just doesn’t pass. I don’t think
God is ignoring my prayers. I think He is teaching me to face things. This
world is a painful place. It is full of beauty and kindness- but there is also heartbreak you can't ignore. I think God was trying to tell me how much my wounds
matter to Him. There is no easy out. When I show others compassion I get a
glimpse of how God sees me. I have this serious problem with simply trusting
God’s love. When I love others I can see it in action.
Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8
It covers everything.
It covers everything.
I hate the idea that this Christian walk is a pain free
journey of smiles and sunshine. Being a follower of Jesus means looking at
things how He does and letting your heart break at times. His Love will ALWAYS be bigger
than the things that break our hearts. To be compassionate means feeling the
pain of others. Your pain will make you care about things others ignore. Love will drive you. You will care about the wounds of others. That is exactly what Jesus does for us.
Every time I get overwhelmed by the darkness I end up finding God
there. His light always guides me back Home. It always draws me to prayer,
journaling, my bible. All my pain finds meaning and purpose in Him. I find
relief. Everything isn't magical and perfect. God is no genie. But is something so much better than that. His love is better than anything that this world has to offer. I find comfort knowing how much I am loved by God. He adores me. I am
writing this to tell you He adores you too. Your pain matters so much to Him
and no matter how alone you feel YOU ARE NOT. That is the biggest lie our heads
could ever tell us.
When we find God in our darkness we can go and enter the
darkness that overwhelms others. We get to share the message of a Love that saves. No
matter what you are battling it matters so much to God. He loves you in this
moment no matter how broken you are. You always have a HOME with Him. You are
never alone, you are his beloved.
Your pain is valid. It matters. It is so human to avoid it,
but if we do that we may miss the treasure hidden in it. Face your demons with your God. You,
my friend, are here for a unique reason, to help people only you can help. The
world needs you to not give up.
You are LOVED more than you could ever imagine. I'm still not exactly sure how to cope, how to deal with pain that won't go away. BUT I do know what Jesus says is the most important thing is the thing that sets us free...
One
of the teachers of religious law was standing there listening to the
debate. He realized that Jesus had answered well, so he asked, “Of all
the commandments, which is the most important?”
Jesus replied, “The most important commandment is this: ‘Listen, O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only Lord. And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’ The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.” Mark 12:28-30And it all can start with a prayer...
