Last night was bad. I have vices- my healthy vices &
unhealthy ones. I used every healthy vice I know- 90s movies, counting crows, painting, baking,
cooking, and sitting around in weird clothes (overalls.) I even considered
cleaning. Nothing would help. Sometimes the sadness comes and it just won’t
leave me. I can’t explain it & I don’t think you’d understand unless you
deal with that, the leftovers from the past. The mess doesn’t just go away with
time; it’s a part of you. Part of me finds comfort in that because it means the
things that hurt me matter. The other part of me just wants the pain to go
away.
After finding no comfort in my vices I did something
revolutionary. Something I’ve been told for years in the church & in the
program……. I thought of someone else more than myself. I took my pain and
thought of others who shared that pain. I offered them my freshly baked cookie
bars & gormet mac n cheese. I finally felt relief.
I know sometimes the pain just doesn’t pass. I don’t think
God is ignoring my prayers. I think He is teaching me to face things. This
world is a painful place. It is full of beauty and kindness- but there is also heartbreak you can't ignore. I think God was trying to tell me how much my wounds
matter to Him. There is no easy out. When I show others compassion I get a
glimpse of how God sees me. I have this serious problem with simply trusting
God’s love. When I love others I can see it in action.
Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8
It covers everything.
It covers everything.
I hate the idea that this Christian walk is a pain free
journey of smiles and sunshine. Being a follower of Jesus means looking at
things how He does and letting your heart break at times. His Love will ALWAYS be bigger
than the things that break our hearts. To be compassionate means feeling the
pain of others. Your pain will make you care about things others ignore. Love will drive you. You will care about the wounds of others. That is exactly what Jesus does for us.
Every time I get overwhelmed by the darkness I end up finding God
there. His light always guides me back Home. It always draws me to prayer,
journaling, my bible. All my pain finds meaning and purpose in Him. I find
relief. Everything isn't magical and perfect. God is no genie. But is something so much better than that. His love is better than anything that this world has to offer. I find comfort knowing how much I am loved by God. He adores me. I am
writing this to tell you He adores you too. Your pain matters so much to Him
and no matter how alone you feel YOU ARE NOT. That is the biggest lie our heads
could ever tell us.
When we find God in our darkness we can go and enter the
darkness that overwhelms others. We get to share the message of a Love that saves. No
matter what you are battling it matters so much to God. He loves you in this
moment no matter how broken you are. You always have a HOME with Him. You are
never alone, you are his beloved.
Your pain is valid. It matters. It is so human to avoid it,
but if we do that we may miss the treasure hidden in it. Face your demons with your God. You,
my friend, are here for a unique reason, to help people only you can help. The
world needs you to not give up.
You are LOVED more than you could ever imagine. I'm still not exactly sure how to cope, how to deal with pain that won't go away. BUT I do know what Jesus says is the most important thing is the thing that sets us free...
One
of the teachers of religious law was standing there listening to the
debate. He realized that Jesus had answered well, so he asked, “Of all
the commandments, which is the most important?”
Jesus replied, “The most important commandment is this: ‘Listen, O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only Lord. And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’ The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.” Mark 12:28-30And it all can start with a prayer...
Hey Megan,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this... I have been dealing with my own darkness and pain for the last month or so. The depression has been pretty heavy and the burden I've been putting on my husband has just made me feel even worse. I want to rest and know that the Lord loves me and isn't going to let anything happen to me but it's become so hard to believe that. After reading this though, I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one who struggles with past pain, darkness, sadness... all that.
One thing that has always bothered me is that I can't explain to people why this happens to me. They know I suffer from Bipolar II, PTSD, and Anxiety disorders but they don't understand what that all means and what actually happens to me when my disorders decide to get out of control. They just expect me to get over it on my own and say "The Lord will take care of you" or "c'mon, everyone deals with depression every now and again." That's what hurts. I don't deal with this "every now and again" I wake up every morning with a prayer that I'm not going to be a total mental mess that day. That I'm going to be able to take care of my son and be a good mom. Be able to greet Jason with a cheerful smile when he gets home from work. I haven't been able to do any of that lately because my pains and insecurities have been making it so hard to be ME.
I try and pray to God to help me get through the daily struggle and I want to know if He hears me. I haven't been able to pray all that well because of this wall that seems to be blocking any cry for help - and I know it's myself not wanting to give up the pain... I feel sick all the time.
What I'm trying to get at is I understand what you were saying and I'm glad that someone else out there is real enough to put it out for all to see. It encourages me to keep fighting and trying to lean on God to help me get through this. You put things in a very real and easy way to understand and I thank you for this read. I will pray for you, that your past and the pain that comes with it leaves you. Ii will pray that you continue to lean on that strong bond that you have with your God that helps you cope. Please pray for me as well. Pray that this darkness, my past, my pain, my fears, my insecurities leave me alone. Pray for me to seek out Jesus more and not be discouraged by where I am.
Thank you again, Megan. It was a beautiful blog. I hope it reaches more who need to read this than just me... <3