Hufford St

I’ve recently told Ren I only love her because she’s my sister. She’s not my sister biologically, but it’s the only way to explain how we are still friends. We drive each other nuts. We are total opposites.

In spite of that we have this deep love for one another. Our friendship has stood the test of time. (5 years, but I count girl friendships in dog years) Well one difference is Ren

is a planner. Some may call her responsible. Somehow I convinced her we don’t need to figure out where we are staying on this road trip. She offered to call some camp sites. I politely declined. I believe “it’ll all work out” were my exact words. I don’t know how I got her to agree with it. Who is crazier: me for thinking that or her for going along with it??

Now fast forward to day one of our trip. If you read my other blog post you know we left at 3:30am to make sure we could see Anne. So we have this “friend” Anthony. Like most guys he pretended to know what he was talking about. He had done the drive a ton of times so naively we trusted him. There was only one place we were forbidden to stop: Eureka, California. Naturally that is where we had dinner.

We leave Denny’s at midnight. One more hour of driving until Hufford St. I’m delirious. I don’t know how I’m going to make it, but the windy road and funny conversation kept me awake. All of the sudden, some “a-hole” shined his brights at me!! Of course I shined mine back. There stood 3 LARGE Elk. Aggressive male elk we later found out from a radio report. I slammed on the breaks. If that guy hadn’t of been there who knows what would have happened… traveling mercies.

I am now wide awake due to the adrenaline. We find Hufford St. Anthony explained this place as a road that ends at the beach. We’d wake up on the ocean, have a cup of coffee, and read streams in the desert. We don’t know where the coffee was coming from but this was the image in our mind. There is no such thing as a good morning without coffee. Anyways, we find this street and start driving down it… slowly… as I am still terrified of the elk. It reminds me a lot of The Ring. That terrible scary movie where everyone dies in 7 days. It is just sketchy. As I’m driving down the road dogs charge my car barking. This is 1 a.m. You can't make this up. I am terrified. They won’t move and I didn’t want to hit them.

We call Anthony and he said we turned off too soon and to get back on the main road. We keep going down this little dirt path. We get to the end of the road. There is a no trespassing sign and we are officially stuck. I am new to stick shift, it appears that we are on the edge of a cliff. This is my breaking point. I lost it. How do we turn around? (Notice how there is no beach, thanks Anthony.) It's a nightmare.

Ren has to literally get out of the car to direct me. Because of the ledge I just have to reverse down. It’s difficult because it is curved and extremely dark out. She kept telling me to turn the steering wheel left. I would go right. From my perspective if I went left we were going over this cliff. My body was shaking because I was so afraid. I couldn’t get over my own perception of what was going to happen. The longer I didn’t trust, the longer I was stuck.

Isn’t it the same with God? We get ourselves stuck in not the best situations. We get lost. It’s inevitable. We are human. God is there to redirect us in the dark. Sometimes it seems impossible to listen. It seems to damn scary. I get it. You can’t see past your own view so you rely on yourself to feel in control. This illusion of control will destroy us if we keep holding onto it.

This is why we stay stuck in our brokenness. We simply can’t fix ourselves. We need someone to save us. We need someone to get out of our car and redirect us. God meets us in the dark. He will show us the way if we just listen.

You, Lord, keep my lamp burning;
    my God turns my darkness into light. Psalm 18:28

It’s the WHAT IFS that get in the way which is just another way of staying stuck in fear.These WHAT IFs hold us captive.

What if when I listen to God people don’t like me as much because I’m different? I don’t fit in like I use to. What if I never get married? What if people judge me? What if I have to deal with the pain I run from? What if. What if. We all have different lies that run through our minds.  I don't know what your what ifs are. I just know the devil is pretty good at telling us lies to hold us back from the abundant life God has to offer us.

God has the best plan for us. He knows better than us. He is just waiting for us to stop trying to run the show. If we just listen to Him and take a risk He can and will lead us on a new path. The path God takes us down is not easy. It is not easy to face your fears. It is not easy to face the pain in your heart or your own brokenness. But the Lord’s path is filled with freedom, peace, and love. This is the path where He changes your world and your heart so you can do the same. Trust in God, do not let fear be your lord.You never know where God wants to take you.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.  Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Romans 12:1-2

PS Long story short we ended up sleeping at some strange motel parking lot, but woke up in the Redwood Forest less than a mile from the ocean. It was breath taking. Way better than where I thought we should have stayed.

Traveling Mercies: Meeting Anne Lamott

“Most of the time, all you have is the moment and the imperfect love of the people around you.” AL 

July has been a strange month. Most of it I have been out of the state. I spent a week on a road trip with Laurén. The other 3 weeks were spent working at a Young Life camp in Arizona.

I want to write down all that I have learned. The closer you stay to Jesus the more He can transform your heart and mind. This month He has done that… as He has been doing for years.

The trip started with a crazy idea as most things in my life do. If you know me at all you know how dear books are to my heart. I would die without them. My 3 favorites are Brennan Manning, Henri Nouwen, and Anne Lamott. Brennan and Henri have passed away. It’s been a dream of mine to meet one of the people whose words have brought so much healing to my life.

Naturally I decided to stalk Anne Lamott. So I may or may not have looked up her church. I didn’t even know if she would be there. We would have had to leave at 3:00am to get there on time. I was starting to think it was irrational and crazy. I was becoming unsure of this idea. I sent Bethy a text to get her opinion because she shares my love for Anne.  She told me I had to go. I had to thank her for all she had written.

With that I decided we were going. Who knows if she’d be there, but we had to try. I overslept my alarm (what’s new?), but we managed to get on the road at 3:30 am. Besides getting lost & pulled over we made it. Only 4 minutes late. As I was walking in I saw a car with a bumper sticker that said, “Who would Jesus bomb?” My inner hippie that I have kept hidden ever since I stopped smoking weed was delighted. (Later I saw it was her car- of course!) We walk in and get handed an African American hyms book. 

I walk in and see her lovely dreadlocks. There she was. I was so scared. I didn’t want to bug her. I was also terrified she’d be mean. There was a chance to greet people. Some people came up & asked what brought us there. I told them how I loved Anne’s books. “Oh Annie loves visitors.”

So I walked up to her, handed her a card, and simply thanked her. She was kind & loving. She wished us “traveling mercies.” I can’t put into words how rad it was to meet someone who has inspired me so much. She brought some light into very dark days this past year. The first time I read one of her books I literally couldn’t put it down. Her books are the kind of books you fall in love with. These books are the reason I don’t get enough sleep.  

I look up to her because she is just like me… bat shit crazy & in love with Jesus. She shows me I can do it, that there is a reason to have hope even on the worst days… especially on the worse days. I dream of being a writer. She has taught me to just write. It doesn't matter what my fears or insecurities are. Fear can not hold me back. I have to write. Simply put she inspires me for countless reasons. She is honest and real. She does not pretend to have her crap together. She admits her brokenness and clings to grace. We need more people like this. This is the essence of Christian Spirituality, not perfection but admitting your need for a Savoir.

I share this with you because the world needs more people like this. I believe we have it in each of us. She is brave enough to embrace her gifts no matter how scary that is. The world is a better place because of her. I think it’s time we all embrace our gifts and let the world become better.

Little did I know it was her 27 years sober on that very day. She shared about the one day at a time companionship of her best friend Jesus. I was such a special day to be there. She fills my heart with hope. She points me back to God again and again.

“We read to know we are not alone.” CS LEWIS

“Our preacher Veronica said recently that this is life’s nature: that lives and hearts get broken- those of people we love, those of people we’ll never meet. She said that the world sometimes feels like the waiting room of the emergency ward and that we who are more or less OK for now need to take the tenderest possible care of the more wounded people in the waiting room, until the healer comes. You sit with people, she said, you bring them juice and graham crackers.
And then she went on vacation.
“Traveling mercies,” the old people at our church said to her when she left. This is what they always say when one of us goes off for a while. Traveling mercies: love the journey, God is with you, come home safe and sound.”

Coming Home

There are few things I despise as much as coming home from a trip. I usually get a little bit cranky on the way home. Last year on the way home from Lake Shasta one of my best friends said something like “I love how you get so cranky just because you want to stay here.” I started laughing and was surprised she knew me so well.
 

I just got home from camp with Young Life. After a week of tears, giggling, love, opening up, and watching transformation begin coming home feels so mundane. I am bored. I am having a hard time transitioning back.When you are removed from your circumstances God is giving you a very unique gift. You might not realize it as it is happening, but God is allowing you to see things differently. To realize things aren’t so black and white. When you go to a different state you see how completely different their truth is. Which makes you wonder what is even truth anyways. Leaving Orange County I am free from the bondage of make up and the pressures to be prettier. I get to go away and be me. I got to live life with good friends and wonderful girls. My eyes are open to God’s heart. He helped me see life more of how He sees it. 

He is constantly calling us home to Him. We are too busy. We have ministry to do, friends to entertain, tv shows to get caught up with. We waste our days ignoring our Creator trying to be someone we think we should be. Be still. Come Home. Home is not so much a place as it is being your true self with God. The interesting thing about the Christian journey is how much of it has to do with us. Jesus is crazy about us. He wants to be our Everything. He desires to really live life with us. He wants to set us free from the lies of this world. 

When you choose to really walk with Him you are constantly being transformed and remade. This is not some overnight process. We need to be awake to the God who interrupts our perfectly planned days. Do not ignore his love. Do not sell yourself short. Do not settle with the sin that fills your life. You are worth so much more than that. You are of infinite value to your Creator. God is trying to get your attention. Stop and listen. Do not let the things around you distract you.

There is one thing I am absolutely sure of. God is always speaking to us. Maybe it is just not how we expect Him to speak. Maybe it is like trying to hear your friend whisper in a loud room. This world is loud and noisy, constantly drowning out the Voice of God. Listen to Him speak through your friends, your bible, music, or just sitting still in nature. God is a lot closer to us than we think and His love will never leave you. Are you listening to Him today? What does He want to say to you?  Get off the computer or your phone and go be with your God. He loves you more than anybody else and I promise you is worth your time.

the pain that just won't go away

Last night was bad. I have vices- my healthy vices & unhealthy ones. I used every healthy vice I know-  90s movies, counting crows, painting, baking, cooking, and sitting around in weird clothes (overalls.) I even considered cleaning. Nothing would help. Sometimes the sadness comes and it just won’t leave me. I can’t explain it & I don’t think you’d understand unless you deal with that, the leftovers from the past. The mess doesn’t just go away with time; it’s a part of you. Part of me finds comfort in that because it means the things that hurt me matter. The other part of me just wants the pain to go away.

After finding no comfort in my vices I did something revolutionary. Something I’ve been told for years in the church & in the program……. I thought of someone else more than myself. I took my pain and thought of others who shared that pain. I offered them my freshly baked cookie bars & gormet mac n cheese. I finally felt relief.

I know sometimes the pain just doesn’t pass. I don’t think God is ignoring my prayers. I think He is teaching me to face things. This world is a painful place. It is full of beauty and kindness- but there is also heartbreak you can't ignore. I think God was trying to tell me how much my wounds matter to Him. There is no easy out. When I show others compassion I get a glimpse of how God sees me. I have this serious problem with simply trusting God’s love. When I love others I can see it in action.

Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8
It covers everything.

I hate the idea that this Christian walk is a pain free journey of smiles and sunshine. Being a follower of Jesus means looking at things how He does and letting your heart break at times. His Love will ALWAYS be bigger than the things that break our hearts. To be compassionate means feeling the pain of others. Your pain will make you care about things others ignore. Love will drive you. You will care about the wounds of others. That is exactly what Jesus does for us.

Every time I get overwhelmed by the darkness I end up finding God there. His light always guides me back Home. It always draws me to prayer, journaling, my bible. All my pain finds meaning and purpose in Him. I find relief. Everything isn't magical and perfect. God is no genie. But is something so much better than that. His love is better than anything that this world has to offer. I find comfort knowing how much I am loved by God. He adores me. I am writing this to tell you He adores you too. Your pain matters so much to Him and no matter how alone you feel YOU ARE NOT. That is the biggest lie our heads could ever tell us. 

When we find God in our darkness we can go and enter the darkness that overwhelms others. We get to share the message of a Love that saves. No matter what you are battling it matters so much to God. He loves you in this moment no matter how broken you are. You always have a HOME with Him. You are never alone, you are his beloved.

Your pain is valid. It matters. It is so human to avoid it, but if we do that we may miss the treasure hidden in it. Face your demons with your God. You, my friend, are here for a unique reason, to help people only you can help. The world needs you to not give up.

You are LOVED more than you could ever imagine. I'm still not exactly sure how to cope, how to deal with pain that won't go away. BUT I do know what Jesus says is the most important thing is the thing that sets us free...

One of the teachers of religious law was standing there listening to the debate. He realized that Jesus had answered well, so he asked, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”

 Jesus replied, “The most important commandment is this: ‘Listen, O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only Lord.  And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’ The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.” Mark 12:28-30

And it all can start with a prayer...