rejection

About a month ago I submitted my first short story to the literary magazine at Saddleback. About two weeks ago I received my first rejection letter. 

I thought I had prepared myself for that e-mail. I was aware that writing fiction is new for me. And I have this terrible problem with switching tenses. (You can ask my writing class all about it.) But, I edited this story over and over looking for the flaws I am prone to. One thing that really sucked was on my last edit I created a typo while changing something. This went unnoticed until after I submitted my story.

Dana Stabenow said, "To be a writer is to embrace rejection as a way of life." And F. Scott Fitzgerald said, "Work like hell! I had 122 rejection slips before I sold a story."

There are many encouraging words you can find where other writers tell you the terrible reality of how much rejection you will face. (They can all be found on Pintrest.) Those words are comforting yet they don't prepare you for the sting when you hear your work isn't good enough. My writing teacher Jim talks about how our stories are our babies. We don't see any warts or flaws. While other people can look at them and see what is wrong. Now, I don't know what flaws were found in this story. Probably the tense shifts, damn it. There was no way I could send that pathetic e-mail... what's wrong with it? Because maybe nothing is wrong with it. Maybe it is just an opinion. 

In class I've had plenty of horrific critiques and ones that surprised me when someone told me they loved my chapter. For my writing they have been extremely helpful, but the secret is neither response could fix or destroy me. We will only find what we're looking for when we can find it in ourselves.

Writing tends to teach me everything I need to know about life. 

1. Rejection is not fatal. The only thing that is fatal is not trying.

2. What other people think about me doesn't matter. What does matter is writing because I love to write. As Jim says, the joy isn't in getting published but in the writing itself. 

3. Rule 62: Don't take yourself so seriously. 

I am able to laugh at myself, at the many mistakes I made in my time traveling story, and the self pity and despair I sunk into over one little email. I also know how to bake. Which comes in handy in those kind of situations. It's impossible to be too upset while eating Blondie brownie bars. 

Tonight I was backing up a lot of old things I wrote and I found a document called why i want to write from November 2012. It starts off like this...
"Because the first time I really fell in love wasn’t with a boy, but a book."
(Which isn't even true I think I just liked how it sounded.) And it only gets cheesier as my little essay goes on. But it reminded me why I write. Not because I want to be published. I write because I love to read. I love to write. There have been authors I have never met who's words got me through some dark days. All I want is to spread some light. 

Maybe my prose sucks. My syntax might be totally off. But, that's okay. We all start somewhere. As Anne Lamott says, we all write a shitty first draft and go from there. Keep writing. Keep doing what ever it is that you love EVEN if you are TERRIBLE at it. Because there aren't enough people doing what they love. Life is too short to be miserable. Rejection is a part of life, but it doesn't define who you are. You get to do that. 

After a few hours of self pity I remembered I could pray. I could ask God to show me what He thinks of me. I could stop focusing on myself. I also went to InNOut. There was definitely a lot of comfort eating going on, but next rejection I'll try a little more prayer. I reminded myself it wasn't the end of the world. If JK Rowling got rejected with Harry Potter 12 times, I would be insane to expect to escape it. ;) Once the hurt passed I was finally able to trust the authors and poets who have gone before me. "You have to know how to accept rejection and reject acceptance." Ray Bradbury

In all of this I got a chance to decide if I would need others to tell me I am good enough. Or could I give myself the approval. We waste our days caring too much about what others think. Or maybe I am horrible. BUT if I keep writing I know I will get better. Either way the message I got is this: don't give up.

You may read this post and find some comas that are out of place. I don't care. I'm a work in progress. For now, I will write because I love to write. That's a good enough reason for me. 

Also, I was lucky enough to hear Jia speak at the story line conference... I will attempt to sum up his story... Experienced painful rejection with his dream and wanted to give up. In an attempt to desensitize himself to rejection he tried what he calls, "Rejection Theraphy." He tried to set himself up to experience rejection everyday for 100 days by asking people to let him do crazy things(or do things for him). The great part is most people said YES. That includes driving a cop car, sleeping in a mattress store, and so many other funny things. Check out his website, he is HILARIOUS. http://www.fearbuster.com/100-days-of-rejection-therapy/

Storyline (1)

Waking up today was rough. The past 2.5 days I’ve been at the storyline conference where I’ve been waking up to ragamuffin coffee. (Seriously, ragamuffin coffee. I thought I was in heaven. Now I'm back home drinking the cancer causing Keurig.) The days were filled with the greatest speakers and rad community. I want to go back! Post-Storyline Depression is a serious illness and I need treatment.

This year I wanted to take a trip alone. I've been doing New Years reminders the past two years. Different than resolutions in that I know I screw up a lot and that reminders might work a little better.  It's a whole other story really.

Last year I taped my NY reminders next to my bed and thought about them often. In January it’s easy to be intentional about who it is you want to be. How often is it all forgotten by February.

This year my theme is dependence on God. There are a handful of different things I want to try. On my list there are small things like saying “no” more often. I want to stop caring about what others think and have my gaze fixed on God. There are also bigger things like that trip by myself. 

It’s easy to say we love and follow God and then keep doing our own thing. Or to care more about what others think than what He thinks. We can squeeze God into our lives. But I don't think that's what He's asking. I think He wants to become our lives, not just a small part of them. 

I wanted to challenge that broken part of my mind that was still approval seeking and spend the year seeking God's approval. I asked God to remove that character defect.

We don’t get to ask God to do things in our life and then just sit there. It’s annoying, but I’ve found our choices and taking action are more important to our spiritual life than anything else. We don’t sit in a room and pray and wait for some angel to show up. We go out and experience. Trust God. Ask him to remove these broken parts in us and then act in faith like He has. 

All that to say, I signed up for the Storyline Conference put on by Donald Miller. The speakers were many who I adored. Anne Lamott, Bob Goff, Jon Acuff, Don himself. The speakers I didn't know quickly became new favorites.

So I got on yelp, found the cheapest motel I could find, and booked my stay.(hindsight is 20/20- don't go for the cheapest motel)

The trip was easily one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. The first night where I stayed by myself was absolutely terrifying. I almost drove home. Isn't that what we do? Give up as soon as things get a little scary. (I’ll write more about my stay at the lovely point loma inm on another post.)

Storyline taught me that we owe it to ourselves and the world to live a better story. That doesn’t happen by sitting at home daydreaming. It happens by living. Let’s be honest. We spend a lot more time thinking about the people we want to be than doing things that gets us there. Because unfortunately, as Anne Lamott said at the conference, the freedom comes from the discipline.

It takes work. We have got to get rid of the mentality that life and the things we want should be easy. A good story is never easy. It's just boring. There has to be a cost. 

We are each a different story and what we do each day is filling up the pages. Would any one follow along all seven books of Harry Potter if there was nothing to overcome? Harry Potter walked up to Voldemort and stabbed him. He died. The end. That is not a story I want to read!

Maybe the challenges you are facing right now are the very things that will shape your life into a book that people want to read. Your courage, strength, and faith will show them that they too can start living a different story. That's what stories do. They change us.

There’s many different things that get in the way. I’m going to be writing about them and you can follow along and maybe together we can start changing our stories. Maybe fear, laziness, and business won’t determine what the pages say anymore.

It begins with being intentional. Figure out what you really want and go after it. Life was not meant for us to live a boring story. There is someone who needs you to tell a different tale. Let your sobriety, your desire for healing, the way you break the cycle of dysfunction in your family be what tells someone else they can do the same.Let your art inspire someone to pick up a paintbrush. The secret is we are all afraid. The ones who do great things learn to ignore the fear and go after their dreams anyway.

If you’re quiet enough maybe you can hear God asking… What do you want? What story do you want to live? Are you happy with the character you are becoming?

The conference was insane and I want to share as much of it as I can here so hopefully you can get a little of what I’ve experienced. If this kind of stuff is what you are about go to the Storyline Blog

More than anything I hope this post is a reminder that your story matters & is one that the world needs to hear. 

a humble God

On Monday I ended up in Carlsbad around sunset, trying to connect to God. It struck me that morning that I hadn't spent anytime thinking about what Christmas. Usually I am reading a ton of Christmas devotionals. I wasn't caught up in the consumerism but I wasn't paying attention to the symbolism either.

Sometimes I just need to be outside and away from all the things that make life hectic. So I found myself at Carlsbad. Weird I know. I got distracted, couldn't find the right spot, had to pee a million times, and was running out of time to "enjoy" the sunset. Finally I noticed a group of rocks that you could walk out on and basically be on the ocean watching the sunset - ready to pray, meditate, and be "super spiritual."

So here I am, walking across this gorgeous beach, rushing to get to this location. This place I set in my mind that I had to be in order to connect to God. As I'm power walking across the beach I noticed a shell.  It was perfect and I didn't even take the time to be in awe of what God made.

Must keep walking. 

And suddenly it dawned on me. What is my problem? I am rushing to this supposed location to connect to God and missing out on the little gifts right in front of me. So I turned around and picked up the shell as a reminder to not be so caught up in the destination that I miss God along the way.

Life is made up of billions of little moments. I wonder if we miss the best ones because we are obessed with our cell phones and addicted to the busyness. It is normal to be in multiple places at once, always going, constantly "connected", yet never just simply being with God.

Even my time with God is filled with a distracted mind and the feeling that I have to be productive. It's a challenge to let myself get away and break free of the mindset of our culture.

We connect to God where we are at. I forget that. Always thinking I need to be somewhere else rather than where I am.

Christmas means many different things to me. But one of them is God shows up in the most unlikely ways. He came into our world as a baby, lived a life as a human, all to rescue us. Every day lived on this earth was him living out his love for you. Jesus did the unexpected. I pray we don't miss it because we aren't paying attention to life and what really matters.

grace

 
God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.James 4:6
 
God spoke to me tonight through an adorable old lady with 38 years of sobriety. Her long gray hair was beautiful. It made me look forward to the day when I will have gray hair and years of wisdom from living my life with God. She greeted a bunch of people who were in this room for the same reason, we were all looking for transformation. Whether this was a conscious decision or not, for this day we were done looking for the answers in a bottle. So God sent a messenger filled with humor and compassion. She told us "God's grace was always available to me, I just began to access it." It got me thinking.

I've been attempting to read another book by Richard Rohr. My efforts have been thwarted by my love for Harry Potter. Being sick has given me a lot of time to read. You see I really planned on reading about God, but somehow I ended up reading the last 300 pages of the 4th book today. To my defense if you can't see God in Dumbledore something is seriously wrong with you.


A thought that's been on my mind is how humility is required to connect to God in an authentic way. Anyone can talk about God. That's easy. And a lot of damage can come if we are just "talkers" instead of "doers." We've all heard that. People who talk at people in a way that brings judgement instead of love.

Only love can change things. This is not popular. We'd settle for control and rules and before you know it we are just repeating the cycle of the pharisees.

Love is harder to measure. It doesn't always get us noticed, as sometimes it's going last in line or staying behind to clean up. I'm terrible at both. Love isn't prideful so there isn't as much attention- which we crave. When you are following Christ, you are trying to point others to Him instead of you. How hard it is for us humans to let God begin that work of dying to self, riding our ego. It is a painful process and most give up before any real work is done.

I don't blame you. It doesn't always feel good to seek God. God isn't into instant gratification. He does things on His timing which is so not ok with me. It doesn't always feel good. If you are choosing to following this loving God it requires a lot of trust. Because He loves you and wants what is best for you. But, you can't always see it. So there is alot of faith involved. And that could be hard for you if you are use to only trusting yourself.

It always goes back to being an inside job. Nothing out in the world will ever fill that ache in you. It's an inside job. The answers are already there. God is already with you. You must begin to seek truth.

Back to the book I started- Breathing Under Water by Rohr. It is about Christianity and the 12 steps and how they meet. It is all about transformation. It was talking about Step 1- being powerless over alcohol and our lives being unmanageable. When Alcoholics get to the steps they are out of ideas- done running on their own source, and willing to be open to a source that is greater than ourselves. This is the gift of desperation.

Rohr brought up the point that we are addicted to our way of thinking. But we don't always bottom out with that. So there is no change. No "need" for transformation. So we are stuck with our way of doing things when God is offering us a life beyond what we imagined.

When I think about a grace that was always there, I look back and I can see it. When i reached out it carried me. When I didn't reach out, it found a way to me anyways. God's grace was always there. Only when I was desperate could I grab hold of it.

The grace humbles you and changes you. As the speaker said, "Life doesn't get better- it's still life- it gets different." Your circumstances may not change, you will still lose people you never want to let go of, and life keeps happening. But, God will do the impossible. Slowly, all these days of surrendering add up. He is turning you into a new person. This grace is changing me. Grace heals me and sets me free.

This is available to all who seek. God's love is for everyone. He just doesn't work the way the world does so sometimes we don't recognize it. It is the humble, small voice inside your soul while the world yells and screams at you. Be quiet. Be still. Listen. God may be speaking to you in a little old lady, or a child. Who knows. Just be open to what He wants to show you. The last thing the woman left us was a prayer that is absolutely life changing.

"God, please  have people treat me tomorrow how I treated everyone today." Wow.

Tonight what I was reminded of was to be grateful. There is lots to be thankful for. How amazing is it that God works in our lives like this. 

    Delight yourselves in God, yes, find your joy in him at all times. Have a reputation for gentleness, and never forget the nearness of your Lord.
    Don’t worry over anything whatever; tell God every detail of your needs in earnest and thankful prayer, and the peace of God which transcends human understanding, will keep constant guard over your hearts and minds as they rest in Christ Jesus.
    Here is a last piece of advice. If you believe in goodness and if you value the approval of God, fix your minds on the things which are holy and right and pure and beautiful and good. Model your conduct on what you have learned from me, on what I have told you and shown you, and you will find the God of peace will be with you.
Philippians 4:4-9

Thanksgiving 2013

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” 

Ernest Hemingway 

The more serious I take my writing the more I want to impress this imaginary audience. The best writing advice I have ever received is to write what you want to read. So, today I am not trying to write something perfect and life changing. I just want to write something I would want to read during the holidays. 

The last few years holidays have been hard. Each year there have been things I have read from blogs and books that have given me hope. The words were like a life line reminding me I wasn't alone.

The holidays can be a reminder of the traditions lost, the people who are gone, and the past we long for. Maybe your family is too far away for you to be able see. Or it could be your first time through the holidays sober. Divorce divides homes bringing loss to the holidays. Whatever it is for you, if things seem broken or empty I understand. I don't know your exact pain nor do I pretend too. I just know when everyone else seems to be getting together and celebrating it sometimes only highlights what is missing. You don’t have to ignore that pain today. God heals us over time. There is no quick fix for heart ache. This is the first year I woke up and was overwhelmed with gratitude for all that I have. 

All I wanted to say is that if you feel haunted by the past today, you’re not alone. I understand. There are a lot of people who feel the way you do. I think the worse part of the holidays is that comparison of what I don’t have to what everyone else does.

Families fall apart, death steals our loved ones, and life continues to go on before we are ready for it. If you miss someone today and need to cry, then do it. Here is permission if you need it. Ignore the pressure to have it all together. It is key to not beat yourself up. Don’t be mad at yourself for not being happy today. Maybe someone else is feeling the same way you are and would really benefit from seeing someone else be real.

And the secret is that today is just another day and you are stronger than you realize. You are resilient. No matter what life throws at you, you are going make your way through. Acknowledging the sorrow will bring you release and healing. The things you are sad about matter. The people you’ve lost are important. There are deaths you will never get over. Nor should you. They will be apart of your heart forever now. It’s ok to be upset on a holiday.

God fixes what is broken. He doesn’t always change my circumstances but he is changing me. Today I am thankful for everything in my life. For years I wanted to change how things happened. I wanted to put back together what fell apart. The bad things are what have made me who I am today. God has put the most amazing girls in my life through young life. Shared pain brings people together. I get to shine a little light in. I wouldn’t change that for anything. Even if I had a chance to redo the past and make things go how I wanted too, I wouldn't. God can redeem everything. There is still hurt, but he will work in it in ways you couldn’t have imagined.

The good is too good. I don’t deserve it. Sanctuary, my church, has become my family.  And I could never forget all my friends of Bill who have taught me how to stay sober through it all. Today is filled with seeing people who love me for the real me. Imperfect we all come together and create this messed up family that has been carrying me through every holiday season since 2008. I could never thank them enough. I love you guys with everything I am.

The best is this God of mine. I have people in my life who love me. God loved me before any of them. He found me and loved me when I had nothing to offer Him or anyone. I was lost, consumed by darkness. Jesus has become my very best friend. People thought it was strange I wanted to spend time alone today, but I had to get time with Him. I never thought I’d be a "Jesus person". Nor did I ever want to be. I use to cringe at the thought of it or mention of His name. Now, I could never imagine my life without the most compassionate God. I am so blessed to get to live my life every day with Him. He is what I’ve been longing for my whole life. He met me in my darkness, listened to my prayers as I cried through all the holidays years before, and loved me before I was loveable. The past five years he’s been healing my heart and now I can actually enjoy this day. There have been brief moments of sadness. The only crying I have done today are tears of gratitude.

Where ever you are at today, be there. Be your own best friend. Don’t try to force yourself to have a good attitude. Take care of yourself. If you are hurting, reach out. People care about you. The biggest lie you could ever believe is that you are alone.

And if you need somewhere to go all the Sanctuary ragamuffins will be getting together around 5 in capo beach. We are all crazy, but you are welcome to join. Text me for the address.

To be grateful for the good things that happen in our lives is easy, but to be grateful for all of our lives-the good as well as the bad, the moments of joy as well as the moments of sorrow, the successes as well as the failures, the rewards as well as the rejections-that requires hard spiritual work. Still, we are only truly grateful people when we can say thank you to all that has brought us to the present moment. As long as we keep dividing our lives between events and people we would like to remember and those we would rather forget, we cannot claim the fullness of our beings as a gift of God to be grateful for... Let's not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see in it the guiding hand of a loving God.
Henri Nouwen

“You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp."
Anne Lamott

What I'm reading #3

Book Review #3

Stitches by Anne Lamott

I remember the first time I started reading a book by Anne. I opened up Bird by Bird and all my afternoon plans suddenly got canceled. It was a Sunday and I literally ended up not leaving my room all day. The words she wrote were filled with compassion, love, and humor. All her books seem to be that way and they deliver what I believe is the most important message a book can contain: you are not alone.

When I found out that she had a new book coming out I immediately went to Amazon and pre-ordered it and began to count down the days until it would be mine.

Most people agree the most powerful thing about Anne's writing is her transparency and willingness to write about things everyone else chooses to ignore.

The book starts off "It can be too sad here. We so often lose our way." She began writing after the Newtown shootings and bravely faced the question: What is the meaning in the suffering?

The book doesn't promise easy answers. Which I love.. Anne never minimizes the suffering we face. She teaches us how to focus on what matters. The present, right now, trying to help one another. The biggest gift we can offer one another is grace. We can help each other stitch our lives together stitch by stitch. It's simple and God is in the details. We show up for another and love. We don't have to be God and try to solve each others problems. We don't have to pretend everything is ok when it's not. Our job is to love.

Her book is poetic and  an easy read. I sneakily read it at work that day and finished it the next morning. Don't let it's small size fool you. Her words carry a lot of truth and healing for a hurting world. This book is a way to find compassion and hope in the midst of the pain that goes along with being human.

I loved it all but I'd have to say my favorite chapter was chapter two the overly sensitive child. 

Anyone would benefit from reading this book. If you read it will make your life richer. You will be in tears on some pages and then laughing in others. When ever I read Anne books in public locations I expect strange glares as most of her books make me do both.

Have you read Stitches? What are your thoughts?

joshua tree part 1

This past weekend a few of us from Sanctuary went to Joshua Tree on a trip where Wilson challenged our us in our beliefs and how we see God and life. Something that happens in any conversations you have with him. Recently I read (in Everything Belongs by Richard Rohr) that spirituality is not just about learning, as it is about un-learning as well. We have heard about God, but what prevents us from living it out is all these lies we’ve believed for the years before finding him. That we must rely on ourselves, surrender is weakness, we’re not good enough… whatever lie you believe.

The weekend was to include rock climbing, solitude, and time with some of my favorite people. I was so excited, except for the rock climbing part- I had no intention of doing that. 

I went up late with Joelle. Of course we got lost for two hours on the same damn road and no one came to look for us. I have no idea why I am so fond of these people who don’t even search for me when I’m lost. (Where is the love of God Pastor Bz?) 

Getting to Joshua Tree late made it so I wouldn’t have to climb. I enjoy the bouldering but no way are you going to strap me into a harness and hold me up with some rope. (Knotts tied by gare... another reason id avoid it) So I carefully evaded the rock climbing part. 

Until the next day, apparently we were climbing again. I was going to avoid it… sat there reading my new book by Richard Rohr (That I’m in love with!!!) and he’s talking about how if our prayer life doesn’t push us outside our comfort zones are we really following Jesus? I couldn’t sit and read and miss out on an opportunity to push past a fear and experience something new in life.

For a somewhat normal person rock climbing is fun. But for a fear filled crazy little ragamuffin it did not seem "fun". I was crying before I even got off the ground. I don’t trust. I told Wilson all this and he told me, “I’m not a human, I’m a ragamuffin, you trust ragamuffins don’t you?”

He knew my weakness- a love for ragamuffins. He got me. Fine. I’ll try it.

  

 

Naturally I wanted to get mad at myself for not climbing up all the way. I'm a perfectionist to my core. Words from my teacher Jim were running through my head. “You can’t compare yourself to others, you must compare yourself to yourself.” The advice he’s given me on writing has been advice that has spilled over into all areas of life. I could chose attempting to be perfect or resting in grace for myself.  This was my chance to practice a new perception. When I changed my outlook I could be amazed that I even got up, no matter how scared I was. I simply took the opposite action, prayed, and occasionally dropped an f bomb. Which is sometimes all you can do.

The worse part was getting down. If you aren’t familiar with repelling it is absolutely terrible. You go against all natural instinct and lean away from the rock you so desperately want to cling to. You trust. It was a real life parable. There is so much we want to hold onto that we know we need to let go of. This is only possible where there is trust. 

When I got to the ground I asked Wilson, “What do you do if for your whole life you have just trusted yourself?” He said, “You have to change your paradigm- the way you see the world.”

“and how do I do that?”

He told me, “By doing things like this, it challenges the lies you believe, your paradigm.” This is how we move more and more into God. We trust what he says when our minds say otherwise. We listen, surrender, obey. Each time we will experience more and more freedom.  

Wilson was a reflection on how God is with me. Completely devoted to me in that moment and helping me walk through my fears with love changing my broken paradigm.  

Why do I try to do things on my own when I have God?

Learning to trust God will come through our experiences of actually trying it.  Even when we are trembling with fear. Challenge your own paradigm. 

 All we can do is take the next step, and stay in the moment. Is God taking you somewhere that terrifies you? Can you learn to trust Him instead of relying on self? It will go against everything of our individualistic culture but it is how we experience God.

A lot of times the thing I fear the most is what I love the most: writing. So for today I'll write and leave it up to God where it takes me. 

I'm thankful for everyone for this trip. You all show me God in different ways. Love you