“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.”Ernest Hemingway
The last few years holidays have been hard. Each
year there have been things I have read from blogs and books that have given me hope. The words were like a life line reminding me I wasn't alone.
The holidays can be a
reminder of the traditions lost, the people who are gone, and the past we long
for. Maybe your family is too far away for you to be able see. Or it could be your first
time through the holidays sober. Divorce divides homes bringing loss to the holidays. Whatever it is for you, if things seem broken or empty I understand. I don't know your exact pain nor do I pretend too. I just know when everyone else seems to be getting together
and celebrating it sometimes only highlights what is missing. You don’t
have to ignore that pain today. God heals us over time. There is no quick fix for heart ache. This is the first year I woke up and was overwhelmed with gratitude for all
that I have.
All I wanted to say is that if you feel haunted by
the past today, you’re not alone. I understand. There are a lot of people who
feel the way you do. I think the worse part of the holidays is that comparison
of what I don’t have to what everyone else does.
Families fall apart, death steals our loved ones,
and life continues to go on before we are ready for it. If you miss someone
today and need to cry, then do it. Here is permission if you need it. Ignore the pressure to have it all together. It is key to not beat yourself up. Don’t be mad at yourself for not being happy today. Maybe
someone else is feeling the same way you are and would really benefit from
seeing someone else be real.
And the secret is that today is just another day and
you are stronger than you realize. You are resilient. No matter what life
throws at you, you are going make your way through. Acknowledging the sorrow
will bring you release and healing. The things you are sad about matter. The
people you’ve lost are important. There are deaths you will never get over. Nor should you. They will be apart of your heart forever now. It’s ok to be upset on a holiday.
God fixes what is broken. He doesn’t always change my circumstances
but he is changing me. Today I am thankful for everything in my life. For years
I wanted to change how things happened. I wanted to put back together what fell
apart. The bad things are what have made me who I am today. God has put the
most amazing girls in my life through young life. Shared pain brings people
together. I get to shine a little light in. I wouldn’t change that for
anything. Even if I had a chance to redo the past and make things go how I
wanted too, I wouldn't. God can redeem everything. There is still hurt, but he will work in
it in ways you couldn’t have imagined.
The good
is too good. I don’t deserve it. Sanctuary, my church, has become my family. And I could never forget all my friends of
Bill who have taught me how to stay sober through it all. Today is filled with
seeing people who love me for the real me. Imperfect we all come together and
create this messed up family that has been carrying me through every holiday season
since 2008. I could never thank them enough. I love you guys with everything I am.
The best is this God of mine. I have people in my
life who love me. God loved me before any of them. He found me and loved
me when I had nothing to offer Him or anyone. I was lost, consumed by darkness. Jesus has
become my very best friend. People thought it was strange I wanted to spend
time alone today, but I had to get time with Him. I never thought I’d be a
"Jesus person". Nor did I ever want to be. I use to cringe at the thought of it or mention of His name.
Now, I could never imagine my life without the most compassionate God. I am so
blessed to get to live my life every day with Him. He is what I’ve been longing
for my whole life. He met me in my darkness, listened to my prayers as I cried
through all the holidays years before, and loved me before I was loveable. The
past five years he’s been healing my heart and now I can actually enjoy this
day. There have been brief moments of sadness. The only crying I have done today are tears of gratitude.
Where ever you are at today, be there. Be your own
best friend. Don’t try to force yourself to have a good attitude. Take care of
yourself. If you are hurting, reach out. People care about you. The biggest lie
you could ever believe is that you are alone.
And if you need somewhere to go all the Sanctuary ragamuffins
will be getting together around 5 in capo beach. We are all crazy, but you are welcome to join. Text me for the address.
To be grateful for the good things that happen in our lives is easy, but to be grateful for all of our lives-the good as well as the bad, the moments of joy as well as the moments of sorrow, the successes as well as the failures, the rewards as well as the rejections-that requires hard spiritual work. Still, we are only truly grateful people when we can say thank you to all that has brought us to the present moment. As long as we keep dividing our lives between events and people we would like to remember and those we would rather forget, we cannot claim the fullness of our beings as a gift of God to be grateful for... Let's not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see in it the guiding hand of a loving God.
Henri Nouwen
“You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp."
Anne Lamott
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