Pastor Jeff

It has been almost two months since Pastor Jeff has passed away. It has been the strangest thing for me because it still doesn’t feel real. It’s hard to imagine there won’t be another Tuesday night of prayer. I also was out of town on the day of the memorial service so I did not get to attend. On top of that, I was out of town for all the different get-togethers my friends had. It made it even harder for it all to sink in.

Last night I had a dream someone said his name and I just started crying. It’s been on my mind a lot. At the same time I feel like I can’t talk about it. I know I can't hold it in any longer so I am doing the thing that frees me the most when life overwhelms me. I write.

I need to write about this man because he had a profound effect on my life. I did not get to share these things in the memorial setting and a part of my grieving process feels incomplete because of it. 

Pastor Jeff became my Pastor before I even knew Jesus. That did not seem to matter to him. All that mattered was I was a lost person seeking hope. He did not seem to care about my beliefs as much as he cared about loving me exactly where I was. I met him back in 2008 when my best friend Karen had invited me to the effect. Little did I know how completely life changing this one decision would be. I can still remember those Tuesday nights. I was terrified. I was uncomfortable with any talk of Jesus. But, I couldn’t deny what I found each and every Tuesday. 

For the first time in my life I found unconditional love. It was genuine and real. I ended up going to Sanctuary as well. Pastor Jeff is one of the many people who reached out to me in this time, there are lots whom I will forever be grateful to.

He prayed every Tuesday during the worship. You would just go up to him and ask for prayer. The idea was so foreign for me and I knew I would never be one of those people who ask for prayer. Finally I found my way up there, kneeling in front of the worship band, going before God with Pastor Jeff. He prayed for about a family problem, in the first time in months it was solved. I don't think all prayers get answered this quickly, God is not a genie, but it was a miracle. I still wasn’t sure about Jesus, but I knew that prayer was powerful. After that I went to Pastor Jeff for prayer every Tuesday. 

He represented a lot to me. He was a living representation of Christ before I could see Him for myself. He was not perfect by any means, but he loved like Jesus loved. He loved me at my worse. He loved me before I had anything to offer. He showed me fatherly and pastoral love. 

One thing he taught me that has always stuck was to pray to see myself as God sees me. He helped me battle those demons I faced. He taught me the Way to the Father.

His death has been devastating and truly heart breaking. It has left me with lots of questions. It reminds me how fragile life really is. All we really have is this day.

I will always remember Jeff because he is apart of my story. Every time I tell it I will remember the man who prayed with me week after week. I will remember the man who showed Jesus with his life, not just his words. My life is different because of this man.

No person is perfect, Jeff was not ashamed of his demons. He taught us how to face our own by his battle. But you don’t have to be perfect to serve. You just have to be willing to listen to God. After failures and trials, Jeff still always looked for ways to help others. He was apart of bringing God’s kingdom to Earth.

I love you Jeff and I will always be thankful for the impact you had on my life. I sent this verse to Jeff a few years ago...

For God is not unjust. He will not forget how hard you have worked for him and how you have shown your love to him by caring for other believers, as you still do. From Hebrews 6:10. 

When Jeff was going through a hard time I wanted him to know that it didn’t take away from all that he had done for me and my friends who went to the effect. 

The bible goes on to say,  Our great desire is that you will keep on loving others as long as life lasts, in order to make certain that what you hope for will come true…… And that is exactly what Jeff did.

He is always going to be someone I look up to, someone I am fond of, and someone who I will miss. Your absence is noticeable and that will not change with time.

Life is too short. Take time to tell someone the impact they had on your life.  I am so grateful I got to tell him thank you for all he had done for me. I wrote him a letter once to tell him how much he meant to me, I want to leave you with his response…

“Hey Megan- This really touches my heart and I know this is what the Lord wanted us to build- a place where the words are in line with His love. It is a tall order in this world and the enemy hates what we have done in Him. You are the souls that Jesus wants to bring home- you have the ears to hear Him and the courage to go against the grain of this world which, temporarily belongs to Satan. I know you are hearing from Jesus as your letter is going to give enthusiasm to the weary leaders at the Effect as well as me. Thank you from my heart to yours- In Christ- Pastor Jeff”

(I sent the letter to the leaders at the effect as well)

One thing I am so thankful for is that I did get to write Jeff a letter. If you read this I challenge you to write someone a letter. Not a text message or a phone call. Facebook does not count. Ok, I guess those are acceptable too... but, seriously, write someone a letter. Tell them how much they mean to you. Thank them for sticking around when no one else did. It is sad when we save these things for the funerals. Even though I missed Jeff's memorial I had already shared all these words with him. That is the most important thing. It is uncomfortable, scary, and vulnerable. But, even more than that it is important. You never know how badly someone needs to hear what they mean to you. Relationships are the most important thing in our lives. People. Not money, or clothes, or things. Value people above all else, and do scary things like telling them how much they mean to you.

“It's funny: I always imagined when I was a kid that adults had some kind of inner toolbox full of shiny tools: the saw of discernment, the hammer of wisdom, the sandpaper of patience. But then when I grew up I found that life handed you these rusty bent old tools - friendships, prayer, conscience, honesty - and said 'do the best you can with these, they will have to do'. And mostly, against all odds, they do." Anne Lamott

mustard seeds

"Nobody goes to church because they're perfect. If you've got it all together, you don't need to go. You can go jogging with all the other perfect people on Sunday morning. Every time you go to church, you're confessing again to yourself, to your family, to the people you pass on the way there, to the people who will greet you there, that you don't have it all together. And that you need their support. You need their direction. You need some accountability. You need some help." -- R. Mullins

^31-32 Then he put another parable before them: “the kingdom of Heaven is like a tiny grain of mustard-seed which a man took and sowed in his field. As a seed it is the smallest of them all, but it grows to be the biggest of all plants. It becomes a tree, big enough for birds to come and nest in its branches.” Matthew 13:31-32 Phillips Translation

It’s a mustard seed. Things don’t change overnight. They GROW! God will heal you day by day as you go to Him. Last night I was reminded of how far God has brought me. I am convinced if He can change my life He can change ANYONES. First of all, I didn’t believe in Him. That was really holding me back haha. And secondly, I was so broken that things seemed hopeless. Everything was falling apart in my life, including myself. This was 5 years ago now. 

I can’t believe how time flies. I haven’t been to the effect in years. Last night my heart was heavy because I was missing Jeff who recently passed away. He was my pastor at the effect so I just wanted to be there. Now for my first year or maybe two there Jeff prayed for me every single week. So I show up this Tuesday not knowing a single person (at first all my friends were late-typical.) I saw the same leaders who show up week after week to keep serving God and pass along some hope to those of us who so badly need it. Somehow they ended up asking me to be one of the people to pray with the woman who came to worship that night. I got to pray with someone else. I knew Pastor Jeff would have been so proud. I hope he somehow was able to see from heaven. I don't know how all that works.

Now that might not sound like a big deal to you, but if you knew the person I was when I came to the effect you would know what a miracle it was. I used to be terrified to even walk up there and ask for prayer. It was literally this debate in my head working up the courage to even walk up there & ask. It was all so new to me that it was completely terrifying for a ton of different reasons. Now I was able to pray for someone else. 5 years. I am a different person. What God can do with 5 years is beyond me. All we do is bring Him our days, and the days start adding up of us seeking something Holy, and in the midst of it all we are being transformed.

None of this happened because of something special I did. I’ve just learned we go to God no matter what. Even if our prayers are simply “God I don’t want you right now.” “God I don’t trust you.” God loves our honest prayers no matter how “incorrect” they may seem. He can completely transform any situation. Keep showing up. Stay with people seeking out the same things. Pray. Never stop praying. It all started with me praying every day for God to reveal himself to me when I didn’t believe.

I write this because none of this seemed possible for me. This life was beyond my reach. I thought fear, insecurity, and pain would always consume me. God has set me free. I write this hoping that you get to experience what I have and what I keep experiencing as I still have some ways to go.I am not the little girl I was when I found the effect all those years ago.

It is a mustard seed. It grows. Don’t expect everything to get better overnight. God doesn’t work on the human terms of instant gratification. God works in a much better way, truly healing us. He cares so much about you and me. It's a relationship we get to have with Him. So if you are stuck in some situation you can’t get out- whether it is a bad relationship, fear, depression, insecurity, self hatred, alcohol abuse….whatever. I’m not saying all the problems go away. It’s still life. Life can be very hard at times. I hate when people deny that because the bible doesn’t deny that. But, in the midst of all that we can find something beautiful. We can find healing we never thought was possible. God is always there to make us new.

Our circumstances may not change but God will give you an incredible gift, a changed heart. I hope & pray you can awaken to the God who loves you more than you could ever know. There are amazing communities around us there to help us find this new life God has to offer.

Remember what Jesus said, the kingdom of God is like a mustard seed. The smallest of all seeds but it grows to be the biggest of all plants. So if all you have is a little tiny bit of hope, or a little tiny bit of faith… or willingness to seek God, that is enough. 

Don't let fear hold you back and let you miss out on the life God has planned for you. It is way better than anything you could have planned for yourself. I promise you that. I can tell you all the faith I had was about the size of a mustard seed. It was tiny. Microscopic. The fear & pain were a lot bigger than the faith I had at the time, but you don't need to rely on your own strength to change things but on God's.

"Sometimes in the heat of the toil of my labor I give in to fits of selfish rage - frustration more over my lack of skill than over my apartment's progress. But late at night when I look over the piles of dust and dry wall and knee-deep debris that remain during this reconstructive effort, I am strangely moved by the place and I proclaim the gospel to it softly. I say, 'I know how it hurts to be torn up. I am often choked on the litter left by my own remodeling. I know what it's like to settle (by the grave act of a strong will) into the despair of believing that you are wasted space. I have felt the blows of heavy hammers that nailed me to a sense of uselessness. I have been shaped by some pretty careless workers who came to the task of making me and lacked any craftsmanship or artistry. I know the pain of wanting to be changed and yet being distrustful of changes, of wanting to be worked on, but being suspicious of the intentions of the Worker. But here is some good news: He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. However messy it may be now, however confusing and scary it appears, however endless the task may seem, we will some day be glorious, beautiful, alive! There is much tearing out to do - a lot to give up. No thin coat of new paint, no shallow, petty piety will do. It's not good enough to cover up imperfection, it must be corrected. Art, beauty, function - these things take time. They may take till the day of Christ Jesus.'" -- R. Mullins

PS I am so thankful for the church that showed me the love of Christ in such a way that compelled me to keep showing up before I believed. Sanctuary and the Effect gave me the gift of hope & my life is different because of it. I love you guys! I now know church doesn't have to be a bad thing ;) It was so nice to be HOME last night.

Hufford St

I’ve recently told Ren I only love her because she’s my sister. She’s not my sister biologically, but it’s the only way to explain how we are still friends. We drive each other nuts. We are total opposites.

In spite of that we have this deep love for one another. Our friendship has stood the test of time. (5 years, but I count girl friendships in dog years) Well one difference is Ren

is a planner. Some may call her responsible. Somehow I convinced her we don’t need to figure out where we are staying on this road trip. She offered to call some camp sites. I politely declined. I believe “it’ll all work out” were my exact words. I don’t know how I got her to agree with it. Who is crazier: me for thinking that or her for going along with it??

Now fast forward to day one of our trip. If you read my other blog post you know we left at 3:30am to make sure we could see Anne. So we have this “friend” Anthony. Like most guys he pretended to know what he was talking about. He had done the drive a ton of times so naively we trusted him. There was only one place we were forbidden to stop: Eureka, California. Naturally that is where we had dinner.

We leave Denny’s at midnight. One more hour of driving until Hufford St. I’m delirious. I don’t know how I’m going to make it, but the windy road and funny conversation kept me awake. All of the sudden, some “a-hole” shined his brights at me!! Of course I shined mine back. There stood 3 LARGE Elk. Aggressive male elk we later found out from a radio report. I slammed on the breaks. If that guy hadn’t of been there who knows what would have happened… traveling mercies.

I am now wide awake due to the adrenaline. We find Hufford St. Anthony explained this place as a road that ends at the beach. We’d wake up on the ocean, have a cup of coffee, and read streams in the desert. We don’t know where the coffee was coming from but this was the image in our mind. There is no such thing as a good morning without coffee. Anyways, we find this street and start driving down it… slowly… as I am still terrified of the elk. It reminds me a lot of The Ring. That terrible scary movie where everyone dies in 7 days. It is just sketchy. As I’m driving down the road dogs charge my car barking. This is 1 a.m. You can't make this up. I am terrified. They won’t move and I didn’t want to hit them.

We call Anthony and he said we turned off too soon and to get back on the main road. We keep going down this little dirt path. We get to the end of the road. There is a no trespassing sign and we are officially stuck. I am new to stick shift, it appears that we are on the edge of a cliff. This is my breaking point. I lost it. How do we turn around? (Notice how there is no beach, thanks Anthony.) It's a nightmare.

Ren has to literally get out of the car to direct me. Because of the ledge I just have to reverse down. It’s difficult because it is curved and extremely dark out. She kept telling me to turn the steering wheel left. I would go right. From my perspective if I went left we were going over this cliff. My body was shaking because I was so afraid. I couldn’t get over my own perception of what was going to happen. The longer I didn’t trust, the longer I was stuck.

Isn’t it the same with God? We get ourselves stuck in not the best situations. We get lost. It’s inevitable. We are human. God is there to redirect us in the dark. Sometimes it seems impossible to listen. It seems to damn scary. I get it. You can’t see past your own view so you rely on yourself to feel in control. This illusion of control will destroy us if we keep holding onto it.

This is why we stay stuck in our brokenness. We simply can’t fix ourselves. We need someone to save us. We need someone to get out of our car and redirect us. God meets us in the dark. He will show us the way if we just listen.

You, Lord, keep my lamp burning;
    my God turns my darkness into light. Psalm 18:28

It’s the WHAT IFS that get in the way which is just another way of staying stuck in fear.These WHAT IFs hold us captive.

What if when I listen to God people don’t like me as much because I’m different? I don’t fit in like I use to. What if I never get married? What if people judge me? What if I have to deal with the pain I run from? What if. What if. We all have different lies that run through our minds.  I don't know what your what ifs are. I just know the devil is pretty good at telling us lies to hold us back from the abundant life God has to offer us.

God has the best plan for us. He knows better than us. He is just waiting for us to stop trying to run the show. If we just listen to Him and take a risk He can and will lead us on a new path. The path God takes us down is not easy. It is not easy to face your fears. It is not easy to face the pain in your heart or your own brokenness. But the Lord’s path is filled with freedom, peace, and love. This is the path where He changes your world and your heart so you can do the same. Trust in God, do not let fear be your lord.You never know where God wants to take you.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.  Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Romans 12:1-2

PS Long story short we ended up sleeping at some strange motel parking lot, but woke up in the Redwood Forest less than a mile from the ocean. It was breath taking. Way better than where I thought we should have stayed.

Traveling Mercies: Meeting Anne Lamott

“Most of the time, all you have is the moment and the imperfect love of the people around you.” AL 

July has been a strange month. Most of it I have been out of the state. I spent a week on a road trip with Laurén. The other 3 weeks were spent working at a Young Life camp in Arizona.

I want to write down all that I have learned. The closer you stay to Jesus the more He can transform your heart and mind. This month He has done that… as He has been doing for years.

The trip started with a crazy idea as most things in my life do. If you know me at all you know how dear books are to my heart. I would die without them. My 3 favorites are Brennan Manning, Henri Nouwen, and Anne Lamott. Brennan and Henri have passed away. It’s been a dream of mine to meet one of the people whose words have brought so much healing to my life.

Naturally I decided to stalk Anne Lamott. So I may or may not have looked up her church. I didn’t even know if she would be there. We would have had to leave at 3:00am to get there on time. I was starting to think it was irrational and crazy. I was becoming unsure of this idea. I sent Bethy a text to get her opinion because she shares my love for Anne.  She told me I had to go. I had to thank her for all she had written.

With that I decided we were going. Who knows if she’d be there, but we had to try. I overslept my alarm (what’s new?), but we managed to get on the road at 3:30 am. Besides getting lost & pulled over we made it. Only 4 minutes late. As I was walking in I saw a car with a bumper sticker that said, “Who would Jesus bomb?” My inner hippie that I have kept hidden ever since I stopped smoking weed was delighted. (Later I saw it was her car- of course!) We walk in and get handed an African American hyms book. 

I walk in and see her lovely dreadlocks. There she was. I was so scared. I didn’t want to bug her. I was also terrified she’d be mean. There was a chance to greet people. Some people came up & asked what brought us there. I told them how I loved Anne’s books. “Oh Annie loves visitors.”

So I walked up to her, handed her a card, and simply thanked her. She was kind & loving. She wished us “traveling mercies.” I can’t put into words how rad it was to meet someone who has inspired me so much. She brought some light into very dark days this past year. The first time I read one of her books I literally couldn’t put it down. Her books are the kind of books you fall in love with. These books are the reason I don’t get enough sleep.  

I look up to her because she is just like me… bat shit crazy & in love with Jesus. She shows me I can do it, that there is a reason to have hope even on the worst days… especially on the worse days. I dream of being a writer. She has taught me to just write. It doesn't matter what my fears or insecurities are. Fear can not hold me back. I have to write. Simply put she inspires me for countless reasons. She is honest and real. She does not pretend to have her crap together. She admits her brokenness and clings to grace. We need more people like this. This is the essence of Christian Spirituality, not perfection but admitting your need for a Savoir.

I share this with you because the world needs more people like this. I believe we have it in each of us. She is brave enough to embrace her gifts no matter how scary that is. The world is a better place because of her. I think it’s time we all embrace our gifts and let the world become better.

Little did I know it was her 27 years sober on that very day. She shared about the one day at a time companionship of her best friend Jesus. I was such a special day to be there. She fills my heart with hope. She points me back to God again and again.

“We read to know we are not alone.” CS LEWIS

“Our preacher Veronica said recently that this is life’s nature: that lives and hearts get broken- those of people we love, those of people we’ll never meet. She said that the world sometimes feels like the waiting room of the emergency ward and that we who are more or less OK for now need to take the tenderest possible care of the more wounded people in the waiting room, until the healer comes. You sit with people, she said, you bring them juice and graham crackers.
And then she went on vacation.
“Traveling mercies,” the old people at our church said to her when she left. This is what they always say when one of us goes off for a while. Traveling mercies: love the journey, God is with you, come home safe and sound.”