Pastor Jeff

It has been almost two months since Pastor Jeff has passed away. It has been the strangest thing for me because it still doesn’t feel real. It’s hard to imagine there won’t be another Tuesday night of prayer. I also was out of town on the day of the memorial service so I did not get to attend. On top of that, I was out of town for all the different get-togethers my friends had. It made it even harder for it all to sink in.

Last night I had a dream someone said his name and I just started crying. It’s been on my mind a lot. At the same time I feel like I can’t talk about it. I know I can't hold it in any longer so I am doing the thing that frees me the most when life overwhelms me. I write.

I need to write about this man because he had a profound effect on my life. I did not get to share these things in the memorial setting and a part of my grieving process feels incomplete because of it. 

Pastor Jeff became my Pastor before I even knew Jesus. That did not seem to matter to him. All that mattered was I was a lost person seeking hope. He did not seem to care about my beliefs as much as he cared about loving me exactly where I was. I met him back in 2008 when my best friend Karen had invited me to the effect. Little did I know how completely life changing this one decision would be. I can still remember those Tuesday nights. I was terrified. I was uncomfortable with any talk of Jesus. But, I couldn’t deny what I found each and every Tuesday. 

For the first time in my life I found unconditional love. It was genuine and real. I ended up going to Sanctuary as well. Pastor Jeff is one of the many people who reached out to me in this time, there are lots whom I will forever be grateful to.

He prayed every Tuesday during the worship. You would just go up to him and ask for prayer. The idea was so foreign for me and I knew I would never be one of those people who ask for prayer. Finally I found my way up there, kneeling in front of the worship band, going before God with Pastor Jeff. He prayed for about a family problem, in the first time in months it was solved. I don't think all prayers get answered this quickly, God is not a genie, but it was a miracle. I still wasn’t sure about Jesus, but I knew that prayer was powerful. After that I went to Pastor Jeff for prayer every Tuesday. 

He represented a lot to me. He was a living representation of Christ before I could see Him for myself. He was not perfect by any means, but he loved like Jesus loved. He loved me at my worse. He loved me before I had anything to offer. He showed me fatherly and pastoral love. 

One thing he taught me that has always stuck was to pray to see myself as God sees me. He helped me battle those demons I faced. He taught me the Way to the Father.

His death has been devastating and truly heart breaking. It has left me with lots of questions. It reminds me how fragile life really is. All we really have is this day.

I will always remember Jeff because he is apart of my story. Every time I tell it I will remember the man who prayed with me week after week. I will remember the man who showed Jesus with his life, not just his words. My life is different because of this man.

No person is perfect, Jeff was not ashamed of his demons. He taught us how to face our own by his battle. But you don’t have to be perfect to serve. You just have to be willing to listen to God. After failures and trials, Jeff still always looked for ways to help others. He was apart of bringing God’s kingdom to Earth.

I love you Jeff and I will always be thankful for the impact you had on my life. I sent this verse to Jeff a few years ago...

For God is not unjust. He will not forget how hard you have worked for him and how you have shown your love to him by caring for other believers, as you still do. From Hebrews 6:10. 

When Jeff was going through a hard time I wanted him to know that it didn’t take away from all that he had done for me and my friends who went to the effect. 

The bible goes on to say,  Our great desire is that you will keep on loving others as long as life lasts, in order to make certain that what you hope for will come true…… And that is exactly what Jeff did.

He is always going to be someone I look up to, someone I am fond of, and someone who I will miss. Your absence is noticeable and that will not change with time.

Life is too short. Take time to tell someone the impact they had on your life.  I am so grateful I got to tell him thank you for all he had done for me. I wrote him a letter once to tell him how much he meant to me, I want to leave you with his response…

“Hey Megan- This really touches my heart and I know this is what the Lord wanted us to build- a place where the words are in line with His love. It is a tall order in this world and the enemy hates what we have done in Him. You are the souls that Jesus wants to bring home- you have the ears to hear Him and the courage to go against the grain of this world which, temporarily belongs to Satan. I know you are hearing from Jesus as your letter is going to give enthusiasm to the weary leaders at the Effect as well as me. Thank you from my heart to yours- In Christ- Pastor Jeff”

(I sent the letter to the leaders at the effect as well)

One thing I am so thankful for is that I did get to write Jeff a letter. If you read this I challenge you to write someone a letter. Not a text message or a phone call. Facebook does not count. Ok, I guess those are acceptable too... but, seriously, write someone a letter. Tell them how much they mean to you. Thank them for sticking around when no one else did. It is sad when we save these things for the funerals. Even though I missed Jeff's memorial I had already shared all these words with him. That is the most important thing. It is uncomfortable, scary, and vulnerable. But, even more than that it is important. You never know how badly someone needs to hear what they mean to you. Relationships are the most important thing in our lives. People. Not money, or clothes, or things. Value people above all else, and do scary things like telling them how much they mean to you.

“It's funny: I always imagined when I was a kid that adults had some kind of inner toolbox full of shiny tools: the saw of discernment, the hammer of wisdom, the sandpaper of patience. But then when I grew up I found that life handed you these rusty bent old tools - friendships, prayer, conscience, honesty - and said 'do the best you can with these, they will have to do'. And mostly, against all odds, they do." Anne Lamott