Thanksgiving 2013

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” 

Ernest Hemingway 

The more serious I take my writing the more I want to impress this imaginary audience. The best writing advice I have ever received is to write what you want to read. So, today I am not trying to write something perfect and life changing. I just want to write something I would want to read during the holidays. 

The last few years holidays have been hard. Each year there have been things I have read from blogs and books that have given me hope. The words were like a life line reminding me I wasn't alone.

The holidays can be a reminder of the traditions lost, the people who are gone, and the past we long for. Maybe your family is too far away for you to be able see. Or it could be your first time through the holidays sober. Divorce divides homes bringing loss to the holidays. Whatever it is for you, if things seem broken or empty I understand. I don't know your exact pain nor do I pretend too. I just know when everyone else seems to be getting together and celebrating it sometimes only highlights what is missing. You don’t have to ignore that pain today. God heals us over time. There is no quick fix for heart ache. This is the first year I woke up and was overwhelmed with gratitude for all that I have. 

All I wanted to say is that if you feel haunted by the past today, you’re not alone. I understand. There are a lot of people who feel the way you do. I think the worse part of the holidays is that comparison of what I don’t have to what everyone else does.

Families fall apart, death steals our loved ones, and life continues to go on before we are ready for it. If you miss someone today and need to cry, then do it. Here is permission if you need it. Ignore the pressure to have it all together. It is key to not beat yourself up. Don’t be mad at yourself for not being happy today. Maybe someone else is feeling the same way you are and would really benefit from seeing someone else be real.

And the secret is that today is just another day and you are stronger than you realize. You are resilient. No matter what life throws at you, you are going make your way through. Acknowledging the sorrow will bring you release and healing. The things you are sad about matter. The people you’ve lost are important. There are deaths you will never get over. Nor should you. They will be apart of your heart forever now. It’s ok to be upset on a holiday.

God fixes what is broken. He doesn’t always change my circumstances but he is changing me. Today I am thankful for everything in my life. For years I wanted to change how things happened. I wanted to put back together what fell apart. The bad things are what have made me who I am today. God has put the most amazing girls in my life through young life. Shared pain brings people together. I get to shine a little light in. I wouldn’t change that for anything. Even if I had a chance to redo the past and make things go how I wanted too, I wouldn't. God can redeem everything. There is still hurt, but he will work in it in ways you couldn’t have imagined.

The good is too good. I don’t deserve it. Sanctuary, my church, has become my family.  And I could never forget all my friends of Bill who have taught me how to stay sober through it all. Today is filled with seeing people who love me for the real me. Imperfect we all come together and create this messed up family that has been carrying me through every holiday season since 2008. I could never thank them enough. I love you guys with everything I am.

The best is this God of mine. I have people in my life who love me. God loved me before any of them. He found me and loved me when I had nothing to offer Him or anyone. I was lost, consumed by darkness. Jesus has become my very best friend. People thought it was strange I wanted to spend time alone today, but I had to get time with Him. I never thought I’d be a "Jesus person". Nor did I ever want to be. I use to cringe at the thought of it or mention of His name. Now, I could never imagine my life without the most compassionate God. I am so blessed to get to live my life every day with Him. He is what I’ve been longing for my whole life. He met me in my darkness, listened to my prayers as I cried through all the holidays years before, and loved me before I was loveable. The past five years he’s been healing my heart and now I can actually enjoy this day. There have been brief moments of sadness. The only crying I have done today are tears of gratitude.

Where ever you are at today, be there. Be your own best friend. Don’t try to force yourself to have a good attitude. Take care of yourself. If you are hurting, reach out. People care about you. The biggest lie you could ever believe is that you are alone.

And if you need somewhere to go all the Sanctuary ragamuffins will be getting together around 5 in capo beach. We are all crazy, but you are welcome to join. Text me for the address.

To be grateful for the good things that happen in our lives is easy, but to be grateful for all of our lives-the good as well as the bad, the moments of joy as well as the moments of sorrow, the successes as well as the failures, the rewards as well as the rejections-that requires hard spiritual work. Still, we are only truly grateful people when we can say thank you to all that has brought us to the present moment. As long as we keep dividing our lives between events and people we would like to remember and those we would rather forget, we cannot claim the fullness of our beings as a gift of God to be grateful for... Let's not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see in it the guiding hand of a loving God.
Henri Nouwen

“You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp."
Anne Lamott

What I'm reading #3

Book Review #3

Stitches by Anne Lamott

I remember the first time I started reading a book by Anne. I opened up Bird by Bird and all my afternoon plans suddenly got canceled. It was a Sunday and I literally ended up not leaving my room all day. The words she wrote were filled with compassion, love, and humor. All her books seem to be that way and they deliver what I believe is the most important message a book can contain: you are not alone.

When I found out that she had a new book coming out I immediately went to Amazon and pre-ordered it and began to count down the days until it would be mine.

Most people agree the most powerful thing about Anne's writing is her transparency and willingness to write about things everyone else chooses to ignore.

The book starts off "It can be too sad here. We so often lose our way." She began writing after the Newtown shootings and bravely faced the question: What is the meaning in the suffering?

The book doesn't promise easy answers. Which I love.. Anne never minimizes the suffering we face. She teaches us how to focus on what matters. The present, right now, trying to help one another. The biggest gift we can offer one another is grace. We can help each other stitch our lives together stitch by stitch. It's simple and God is in the details. We show up for another and love. We don't have to be God and try to solve each others problems. We don't have to pretend everything is ok when it's not. Our job is to love.

Her book is poetic and  an easy read. I sneakily read it at work that day and finished it the next morning. Don't let it's small size fool you. Her words carry a lot of truth and healing for a hurting world. This book is a way to find compassion and hope in the midst of the pain that goes along with being human.

I loved it all but I'd have to say my favorite chapter was chapter two the overly sensitive child. 

Anyone would benefit from reading this book. If you read it will make your life richer. You will be in tears on some pages and then laughing in others. When ever I read Anne books in public locations I expect strange glares as most of her books make me do both.

Have you read Stitches? What are your thoughts?

joshua tree part 1

This past weekend a few of us from Sanctuary went to Joshua Tree on a trip where Wilson challenged our us in our beliefs and how we see God and life. Something that happens in any conversations you have with him. Recently I read (in Everything Belongs by Richard Rohr) that spirituality is not just about learning, as it is about un-learning as well. We have heard about God, but what prevents us from living it out is all these lies we’ve believed for the years before finding him. That we must rely on ourselves, surrender is weakness, we’re not good enough… whatever lie you believe.

The weekend was to include rock climbing, solitude, and time with some of my favorite people. I was so excited, except for the rock climbing part- I had no intention of doing that. 

I went up late with Joelle. Of course we got lost for two hours on the same damn road and no one came to look for us. I have no idea why I am so fond of these people who don’t even search for me when I’m lost. (Where is the love of God Pastor Bz?) 

Getting to Joshua Tree late made it so I wouldn’t have to climb. I enjoy the bouldering but no way are you going to strap me into a harness and hold me up with some rope. (Knotts tied by gare... another reason id avoid it) So I carefully evaded the rock climbing part. 

Until the next day, apparently we were climbing again. I was going to avoid it… sat there reading my new book by Richard Rohr (That I’m in love with!!!) and he’s talking about how if our prayer life doesn’t push us outside our comfort zones are we really following Jesus? I couldn’t sit and read and miss out on an opportunity to push past a fear and experience something new in life.

For a somewhat normal person rock climbing is fun. But for a fear filled crazy little ragamuffin it did not seem "fun". I was crying before I even got off the ground. I don’t trust. I told Wilson all this and he told me, “I’m not a human, I’m a ragamuffin, you trust ragamuffins don’t you?”

He knew my weakness- a love for ragamuffins. He got me. Fine. I’ll try it.

  

 

Naturally I wanted to get mad at myself for not climbing up all the way. I'm a perfectionist to my core. Words from my teacher Jim were running through my head. “You can’t compare yourself to others, you must compare yourself to yourself.” The advice he’s given me on writing has been advice that has spilled over into all areas of life. I could chose attempting to be perfect or resting in grace for myself.  This was my chance to practice a new perception. When I changed my outlook I could be amazed that I even got up, no matter how scared I was. I simply took the opposite action, prayed, and occasionally dropped an f bomb. Which is sometimes all you can do.

The worse part was getting down. If you aren’t familiar with repelling it is absolutely terrible. You go against all natural instinct and lean away from the rock you so desperately want to cling to. You trust. It was a real life parable. There is so much we want to hold onto that we know we need to let go of. This is only possible where there is trust. 

When I got to the ground I asked Wilson, “What do you do if for your whole life you have just trusted yourself?” He said, “You have to change your paradigm- the way you see the world.”

“and how do I do that?”

He told me, “By doing things like this, it challenges the lies you believe, your paradigm.” This is how we move more and more into God. We trust what he says when our minds say otherwise. We listen, surrender, obey. Each time we will experience more and more freedom.  

Wilson was a reflection on how God is with me. Completely devoted to me in that moment and helping me walk through my fears with love changing my broken paradigm.  

Why do I try to do things on my own when I have God?

Learning to trust God will come through our experiences of actually trying it.  Even when we are trembling with fear. Challenge your own paradigm. 

 All we can do is take the next step, and stay in the moment. Is God taking you somewhere that terrifies you? Can you learn to trust Him instead of relying on self? It will go against everything of our individualistic culture but it is how we experience God.

A lot of times the thing I fear the most is what I love the most: writing. So for today I'll write and leave it up to God where it takes me. 

I'm thankful for everyone for this trip. You all show me God in different ways. Love you