Thanksgiving 2013

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” 

Ernest Hemingway 

The more serious I take my writing the more I want to impress this imaginary audience. The best writing advice I have ever received is to write what you want to read. So, today I am not trying to write something perfect and life changing. I just want to write something I would want to read during the holidays. 

The last few years holidays have been hard. Each year there have been things I have read from blogs and books that have given me hope. The words were like a life line reminding me I wasn't alone.

The holidays can be a reminder of the traditions lost, the people who are gone, and the past we long for. Maybe your family is too far away for you to be able see. Or it could be your first time through the holidays sober. Divorce divides homes bringing loss to the holidays. Whatever it is for you, if things seem broken or empty I understand. I don't know your exact pain nor do I pretend too. I just know when everyone else seems to be getting together and celebrating it sometimes only highlights what is missing. You don’t have to ignore that pain today. God heals us over time. There is no quick fix for heart ache. This is the first year I woke up and was overwhelmed with gratitude for all that I have. 

All I wanted to say is that if you feel haunted by the past today, you’re not alone. I understand. There are a lot of people who feel the way you do. I think the worse part of the holidays is that comparison of what I don’t have to what everyone else does.

Families fall apart, death steals our loved ones, and life continues to go on before we are ready for it. If you miss someone today and need to cry, then do it. Here is permission if you need it. Ignore the pressure to have it all together. It is key to not beat yourself up. Don’t be mad at yourself for not being happy today. Maybe someone else is feeling the same way you are and would really benefit from seeing someone else be real.

And the secret is that today is just another day and you are stronger than you realize. You are resilient. No matter what life throws at you, you are going make your way through. Acknowledging the sorrow will bring you release and healing. The things you are sad about matter. The people you’ve lost are important. There are deaths you will never get over. Nor should you. They will be apart of your heart forever now. It’s ok to be upset on a holiday.

God fixes what is broken. He doesn’t always change my circumstances but he is changing me. Today I am thankful for everything in my life. For years I wanted to change how things happened. I wanted to put back together what fell apart. The bad things are what have made me who I am today. God has put the most amazing girls in my life through young life. Shared pain brings people together. I get to shine a little light in. I wouldn’t change that for anything. Even if I had a chance to redo the past and make things go how I wanted too, I wouldn't. God can redeem everything. There is still hurt, but he will work in it in ways you couldn’t have imagined.

The good is too good. I don’t deserve it. Sanctuary, my church, has become my family.  And I could never forget all my friends of Bill who have taught me how to stay sober through it all. Today is filled with seeing people who love me for the real me. Imperfect we all come together and create this messed up family that has been carrying me through every holiday season since 2008. I could never thank them enough. I love you guys with everything I am.

The best is this God of mine. I have people in my life who love me. God loved me before any of them. He found me and loved me when I had nothing to offer Him or anyone. I was lost, consumed by darkness. Jesus has become my very best friend. People thought it was strange I wanted to spend time alone today, but I had to get time with Him. I never thought I’d be a "Jesus person". Nor did I ever want to be. I use to cringe at the thought of it or mention of His name. Now, I could never imagine my life without the most compassionate God. I am so blessed to get to live my life every day with Him. He is what I’ve been longing for my whole life. He met me in my darkness, listened to my prayers as I cried through all the holidays years before, and loved me before I was loveable. The past five years he’s been healing my heart and now I can actually enjoy this day. There have been brief moments of sadness. The only crying I have done today are tears of gratitude.

Where ever you are at today, be there. Be your own best friend. Don’t try to force yourself to have a good attitude. Take care of yourself. If you are hurting, reach out. People care about you. The biggest lie you could ever believe is that you are alone.

And if you need somewhere to go all the Sanctuary ragamuffins will be getting together around 5 in capo beach. We are all crazy, but you are welcome to join. Text me for the address.

To be grateful for the good things that happen in our lives is easy, but to be grateful for all of our lives-the good as well as the bad, the moments of joy as well as the moments of sorrow, the successes as well as the failures, the rewards as well as the rejections-that requires hard spiritual work. Still, we are only truly grateful people when we can say thank you to all that has brought us to the present moment. As long as we keep dividing our lives between events and people we would like to remember and those we would rather forget, we cannot claim the fullness of our beings as a gift of God to be grateful for... Let's not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see in it the guiding hand of a loving God.
Henri Nouwen

“You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp."
Anne Lamott

What I'm reading #3

Book Review #3

Stitches by Anne Lamott

I remember the first time I started reading a book by Anne. I opened up Bird by Bird and all my afternoon plans suddenly got canceled. It was a Sunday and I literally ended up not leaving my room all day. The words she wrote were filled with compassion, love, and humor. All her books seem to be that way and they deliver what I believe is the most important message a book can contain: you are not alone.

When I found out that she had a new book coming out I immediately went to Amazon and pre-ordered it and began to count down the days until it would be mine.

Most people agree the most powerful thing about Anne's writing is her transparency and willingness to write about things everyone else chooses to ignore.

The book starts off "It can be too sad here. We so often lose our way." She began writing after the Newtown shootings and bravely faced the question: What is the meaning in the suffering?

The book doesn't promise easy answers. Which I love.. Anne never minimizes the suffering we face. She teaches us how to focus on what matters. The present, right now, trying to help one another. The biggest gift we can offer one another is grace. We can help each other stitch our lives together stitch by stitch. It's simple and God is in the details. We show up for another and love. We don't have to be God and try to solve each others problems. We don't have to pretend everything is ok when it's not. Our job is to love.

Her book is poetic and  an easy read. I sneakily read it at work that day and finished it the next morning. Don't let it's small size fool you. Her words carry a lot of truth and healing for a hurting world. This book is a way to find compassion and hope in the midst of the pain that goes along with being human.

I loved it all but I'd have to say my favorite chapter was chapter two the overly sensitive child. 

Anyone would benefit from reading this book. If you read it will make your life richer. You will be in tears on some pages and then laughing in others. When ever I read Anne books in public locations I expect strange glares as most of her books make me do both.

Have you read Stitches? What are your thoughts?

joshua tree part 1

This past weekend a few of us from Sanctuary went to Joshua Tree on a trip where Wilson challenged our us in our beliefs and how we see God and life. Something that happens in any conversations you have with him. Recently I read (in Everything Belongs by Richard Rohr) that spirituality is not just about learning, as it is about un-learning as well. We have heard about God, but what prevents us from living it out is all these lies we’ve believed for the years before finding him. That we must rely on ourselves, surrender is weakness, we’re not good enough… whatever lie you believe.

The weekend was to include rock climbing, solitude, and time with some of my favorite people. I was so excited, except for the rock climbing part- I had no intention of doing that. 

I went up late with Joelle. Of course we got lost for two hours on the same damn road and no one came to look for us. I have no idea why I am so fond of these people who don’t even search for me when I’m lost. (Where is the love of God Pastor Bz?) 

Getting to Joshua Tree late made it so I wouldn’t have to climb. I enjoy the bouldering but no way are you going to strap me into a harness and hold me up with some rope. (Knotts tied by gare... another reason id avoid it) So I carefully evaded the rock climbing part. 

Until the next day, apparently we were climbing again. I was going to avoid it… sat there reading my new book by Richard Rohr (That I’m in love with!!!) and he’s talking about how if our prayer life doesn’t push us outside our comfort zones are we really following Jesus? I couldn’t sit and read and miss out on an opportunity to push past a fear and experience something new in life.

For a somewhat normal person rock climbing is fun. But for a fear filled crazy little ragamuffin it did not seem "fun". I was crying before I even got off the ground. I don’t trust. I told Wilson all this and he told me, “I’m not a human, I’m a ragamuffin, you trust ragamuffins don’t you?”

He knew my weakness- a love for ragamuffins. He got me. Fine. I’ll try it.

  

 

Naturally I wanted to get mad at myself for not climbing up all the way. I'm a perfectionist to my core. Words from my teacher Jim were running through my head. “You can’t compare yourself to others, you must compare yourself to yourself.” The advice he’s given me on writing has been advice that has spilled over into all areas of life. I could chose attempting to be perfect or resting in grace for myself.  This was my chance to practice a new perception. When I changed my outlook I could be amazed that I even got up, no matter how scared I was. I simply took the opposite action, prayed, and occasionally dropped an f bomb. Which is sometimes all you can do.

The worse part was getting down. If you aren’t familiar with repelling it is absolutely terrible. You go against all natural instinct and lean away from the rock you so desperately want to cling to. You trust. It was a real life parable. There is so much we want to hold onto that we know we need to let go of. This is only possible where there is trust. 

When I got to the ground I asked Wilson, “What do you do if for your whole life you have just trusted yourself?” He said, “You have to change your paradigm- the way you see the world.”

“and how do I do that?”

He told me, “By doing things like this, it challenges the lies you believe, your paradigm.” This is how we move more and more into God. We trust what he says when our minds say otherwise. We listen, surrender, obey. Each time we will experience more and more freedom.  

Wilson was a reflection on how God is with me. Completely devoted to me in that moment and helping me walk through my fears with love changing my broken paradigm.  

Why do I try to do things on my own when I have God?

Learning to trust God will come through our experiences of actually trying it.  Even when we are trembling with fear. Challenge your own paradigm. 

 All we can do is take the next step, and stay in the moment. Is God taking you somewhere that terrifies you? Can you learn to trust Him instead of relying on self? It will go against everything of our individualistic culture but it is how we experience God.

A lot of times the thing I fear the most is what I love the most: writing. So for today I'll write and leave it up to God where it takes me. 

I'm thankful for everyone for this trip. You all show me God in different ways. Love you

Book Releases!

October 29th Anne Lamott's new book Stitches: A handbook on Meaning, Hope, and Repair  comes out
November 5th The Prodigal: A Ragamuffin Story by Brennan Manning (co written by Greg Garrett) comes out- his last book. A fictional story. I just found out yesterday.
And a Ragamuffin bible with devotionals from his work. (NIV Ragamuffin Bible: Meditations for the Bedraggled, Beat-Up, and Brokenhearted)

I can't wait!!! Seriously. I'm dying.
Reviews will be posted shortly after ;)

Rejecting Jesus

Jesus left that part of the country and returned with his disciples to Nazareth, his hometown.  The next Sabbath he began teaching in the synagogue, and many who heard him were amazed. They asked, “Where did he get all this wisdom and the power to perform such miracles?”  Then they scoffed, “He’s just a carpenter, the son of Mary and the brother of James, Joseph, Judas, and Simon. And his sisters live right here among us.” They were deeply offended and refused to believe in him.

 Then Jesus told them, “A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his relatives and his own family.”  And because of their unbelief, he couldn’t do any miracles among them except to place his hands on a few sick people and heal them.  And he was amazed at their unbelief.

Mark 6:1-6

 

A lot of time I think it's easy for us to blame God. If God is good why...

-is there pain?
-is there world hunger?
-do we have to experience death?
-doesn't he stop and intervene?

You know the normal doubts I'm sure we've all battled. If you haven't I might be concerned... "He who does not weep does not see." How do we make sense of the harsh realities of life? Jesus is the most important thing in my life and I love him so much, but I still find myself hung up on all the hurt around me.

I'm not by any means saying I have answers. I don't even know if they are out there, because I'm pretty sure a God that makes complete sense to us would cease being God. Just like we'll never completely understand His love. There are alot of mysteries but we get to grow in trust. 

When I read about the people's unbelief it make me stop to think. This part of the bible shows how truly important our choices are. They impact the way God can or can't work in our lives. 

Maybe these people were too familiar with Jesus. He was from their hometown. Maybe we are too use to hearing about this God. We don't take into account what He can actually do in our lives. 

I know this is true because of my prayers when I didn't know God. I was so desperate for God to be real but I couldn't trust Him. Every day I would pray, as my ex sponsor Ren directed me, "God, if you are real reveal yourself to me."

He has answered that prayer. I think sometimes we sell ourselves short. Jesus was still able to heal a few sick people but he could have done so much more. God will work in this world no matter what. But, what could he do if your choices weren't holding him back?

There are struggles I have that I am so use to having that I don't always see the point in surrendering them. The more I let God in the more I will move. In His perfect love & wisdom, he never forces His will upon us. True love gives you a choice. 

I read this today and got sad because I don't want to make choices that block God from working in my life. The choices can never stop Him from loving me, but I can miss out on what God has in store for me which is always so much better than anything I could have planned. Am I choosing a life of self will or God's will?

There is always room to grow. I share this today to encourage you to invite God into those places. I imagine Jesus "amazed at their unbelief" because he knows all he could do. What could Jesus do in your life if you completely surrendered to him?

“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”
C S Lewis

Sanctuary 9/31

Sanctuary September 31st

Speaker: Eric "BZ" Botelho

 

We wrapped up our women's series on the woman who gave birth to our Savior... Mother Mary.

"When God is going to do something wonderful, He or She always starts with a hardship; when God is going to do something amazing; He or She starts with an impossibility." Anne Lamott, Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith

Isn't that terrible news. The hardship you are facing in your life may be how God is calling you to Himself. The thing that is absoultly impossible to do on your own is when He gets the chance to really show up in your life. Time and time again the Lord is showing himself through walking me through painful things, fears, and challenges... not by answering my prayers with an easy way out.

Sometimes we just have to do what we don't want to do. As those of us in AA know, opposite action is what saves us. We do something different to get different results in life.

At Sanctuary we spent a night looking at Mother Mary. Imagine being Mary. 15 years old, a woman (also known as property in those days) and an angel comes to you and says you are going to give birth to the Son of God. Her response was one of trust and love, "May this be True"  see Luke 1:38 She was a virgin, and in those days if you were pregnant out of wedlock they would stone you to death (not the good kind).

I love the way our Lord works. In the people the world would expect the least. Mary is young and literally has no rights, but this is the woman God used to bring us Jesus. When she said yes to God, things got worse. She had to leave everything and flee to Egypt. God doesn't call us to this perfectly secure Christian life, that is an idea from the culture of how things should be. The path God takes us down often times is filled with trials and challenges. These are the things that TRANSFORM us and help us TRANSFORM the world.

 

She choose God's will over what would be the easy way. She had a choice.
When Mary said yes she risked everything. The best things in life will always involve risk and sacrifice. Anything that matters requires you taking a risk.

 

We could learn alot from this humble girl. God speaks in unlikely ways. 

 

 

She said yes- Why do we say no? What is holding you back from saying yes to God and the adventure he wants to take you onFear, Selfishness, other people's opinions of you... What is it? Ask yourself. When God takes your life it will never be the same. 

 

When we open up our lives to got he never just pours blessings on us so we are happy. He makes us a blessing to others. In this sick and twisted world we get to become apart of bringing God's kingdom to earth. 

 

 

Rich Mullins said it perfectly when he said, "I don’t believe that God chose you, and blessed you so that you could heap those blessings up upon yourself. I believe God chose you, and you, and you, and every one of you others because He wants to make a difference in this world. And you know what? what I think is scary about God is He didn’t come up with any ‘Plan B.’ That He left the Church here, and the Church is the only group of people, and the Church is the only institution in the world that can bring about a change. This government cannot do it, so stop depending on the government. Educational systems cannot do it, so stop trusting educational systems. The Church was chosen by God to make a difference."

 

 

So then, since Christ suffered physical pain, you must arm yourselves with the same attitude he had, and be ready to suffer, too.1 Peter 4:1

There is a cost. BUT it costs you way more to not listen to the voice that calls you beloved. He is our father who is actually trustworthy (a far cry from what most of us know). We are going to suffer on this Earth, but the suffering we face from following Jesus always produces something beautiful within us and for those around us.

 

We have endless distractions... It is so easy to ignore the call. God can do a lot through your life. I constantly get close to giving up. It is not easy, but each time I do the thing that scares me I find God a little more. God is bigger than our fears and challenges.



As Bz said, the crazy thing about God is that he would have loved Mary just the same if she said no. His love NEVER depends on what we do. But, she would never have got to experience the life God planed for her. That plan He has for us is better than anything we try to plan for ourselves. Mary teaches us trust above all else. She shows us how to walk with God when it doesn't make sense. The effect of her life ripples on today.

Lord, make us a community of people who say yes to you even when things are dark. Help us overcome our fears that hold us back. Jesus I pray that you can make us a new community who seeks you out above all else and finds the healing and freedom that only You offer. I pray for these things in your name, amen.

What I'm reading... Book Review #2

Dancin' Toward the Dawn  

Discovering joy in the darkness of loneliness 

by: Tim Hansel 

 

Tim was Wilson's mentor and when Wilson came to speak at Sanctuary two Mondays ago he gave me one of Tim's books. I've read other work by Hansel and devoured it. It reads like a conversation with a dear friend. He has a way of motivating you like few others.

His desire for truth makes you want to seek it. He was an inspiration, and even after his death his words still inspire many. Loneliness is something I have battled my whole life. I know a lot of us do, but we tend to hide it from others. If you struggle with loneliness you have to read this book.

First of all, any book that mentions the Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan has my heart without question. BUT even if he didn't mention Brennan I would have loved this book! What makes it so powerful is his transparency. He is author and speaker and very easily could have chosen to protect an image of having it all together... but he chooses to be vulnerable instead. I felt like I was reading a private journal. He shows us how to truly connect to God in our most broken places. He will help you turn your loneliness into the very thing that draws you closer to our God. Great read. I will probably read it again in the future!

Memorable Quotes:

• "Emotions are a gift from God, given to us so we can respond to life. The problem with feelings is that you really have to feel them. You can't heal what you can't feel. As one of my defense mechanisms,I learned how to think "about" feelings rather than really feel them. The two are galaxies apart. Maybe the worst mistake we can make is to repress our feelings instead of learning how to properly express them. Perhaps without knowing it, we are cutting off God's ability to work in us." pg 41
• "Like a headlight that can only reach so far into the darkness, human love by its very nature has its limits. Our focus instead needs to be on the One who has said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life."
• We need to stop looking for certainty in order to discover truth. By its very nature, life has the capacity and propensity to change. 
• We sometimes assume that God is leading towards a prearranged goal. He may not be. What He desires most from us is obedience. Surrender to His person. Sensitivity to His presence." pg 53
• "As long as one is busy, busy, busy, he or she never has to face what is really important in life. We never have to find out who God really is. We simply follow the God we have underlined in the Bible- not the God who is, but the God we want Him to be." pg 84
• "A broken heart simply contains more room for love... We must remain "empty" in our loneliness (that is, not trying to fill it with every possible distraction), or He cannot fill us." pg 92
• "God's presence has brought peace, not certainty." pg 105
• "We want friends to do what only God can do." 154

And he quotes my favorite... Brennan...
"It had never dawned on him that the vitally important thing was to drop his ego... There is nothing the ego will not seize upon to inflate itself... That is why mature Christian prayer leads us... through loneliness and aridity, which buries egoism and leads us out of ourselves to experience God." 


Overall, this book has drawn me closer to God in times of loneliness. I am very grateful for these words that filled my soul with more of God. If this is a struggle for you these words will be like food for you very hungry soul. Thank you Wilson for this book!