nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

“Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” Our writing teacher Jim frequently tells us that. That is what writing is to me… venturing out into the unknown, chasing a dream regardless of the fears inside my heart. For this class we are required to turn in 8-12 pages of writing for a book every 3 weeks. Tonight I turned in my first submission.

Let’s go back to yesterday. Yesterday I was a mess. My mind was telling me to drop the class. Seems extreme, but of course that was my thought process. That way I wouldn’t have to face the 27 students telling me my work was no good and that I have no hope of being a writer. That the words I poured my heart into had no power to make this world a better place. So naturally I cried and debated in my mind what to do.

I sent my submission to the printing company last night. When I went to pick it up today there was a note on it that read, “Your story is going to touch a lot of hearts. Can’t wait to read the rest.”  Again, tears. A little encouragement to help me conjure up to the bravery to turn it in.

This is something I’ve wanted to do for years now. But, it is so scary that I’ve always held back. I haven’t stuck with it. There is so much discipline involved with it, way more than I would have expected. But, at the beginning of the year I made a commitment to myself to write. It wasn’t for anyone else,  it was for me. When I write I find God. It’s how I worship Him. I find healing. I find peace in a way I’ve never experienced otherwise. It’s my way of processing life. I can’t live without it. 

I think we all have unique gifts and talents that are ours to explore. It will be our way of getting through the hardships and really treasuring the joy along the way. Some people find it in music, sports, whatever. For me it’s writing. We won’t start out perfect which is terrible news for a perfectionist like me. 

I will be critiqued by my whole class in 2 weeks. I have this terrible two week waiting period. I have to let go. My submission is out there. There is no going back.

It would have been so much easier to have not opened myself up to the rejection. It would have been safe and comfortable. I would avoid the potential hurt. We don’t usually choose to pursue change. 

If I did that I would have robbed myself of the chance to grow.  I would have been a lesser version of who I know God has made me to be. It doesn’t mean the other students won’t say my writing is crap. It doesn’t mean that I won’t experience rejection. It means I have a choice to let the opinions of others hold me back from creating a life I want to live or letting God’s love be enough. If everyone hates it I can find my validation in my relationship with the Lord. That is the only thing that gave me the strength as I prayerfully handed in my work ignoring my stomach ache from the nerves & the voice that was saying don't turn it in. 

We judge ourselves so much by the rejection of others. Yet, JK Rowling was rejected 12 times before Harry Potter was picked up by a publishing agency. (I am only on book 3 and havn’t seen the movies- no spoilers please!!) Imagine if she was discouraged by the first rejection, or the second… or the 7^th… Imagine if she gave up. No, she believed in herself. You have to. Your worth doesn’t come from other people thinking you are good enough.

We can’t let rejection stop us. We have to use it as a chance to make us grow into more of the people we really want to be, the people we are called to be. 

Stephen King had many rejection letters as well. He only has like what 50 best sellers? That is not the point. It's not the success I admire, but their courage to ignore the world telling them they should give up. They kept writing.

I am making a commitment to keep writing. No matter what I am told by the other students. Even if the critiques say I am terrible I will stay with it. I will learn. I will grow. I may have to start out really poorly and work really really hard to get better.

Don’t give up on yourself. Don’t sell yourself short of the life God has in store for you because of that nagging little voice that says you are not good enough. That voice is a lie. You are good enough simply because God’s love is all we need for our validation. No good opinions or bad ones changes anything about who we are. It will always be scary, but it is so much better than being comfortable.

I have two weeks of waiting. I can live with anxiety or let go and work on my writing each day.  

What do you really want to do with your life? Is fear holding you back in any way? Life is too short for that crap. 

Nothing ventured, Nothing gained.

Religon & Politics

Dear Christians,

Some days I am embarrassed to be a Christian. Please hear me out. Not because of Jesus, but because of those who say they are His people. It is easy to point out others flaws and that is not the point of what I am writing.

In light of all the recent news about going to war with Syria, we are going to be seeing a lot of people spouting off their views on facebook. That is fine, I guess? 

Anyways, I write this as someone who follows Jesus as well. My views may not be as popular in the church. That is fine. We don’t need the same political views to follow the same Lord. There are more important things to me than your political party.

I am asking you as a Christian to not post any HATEFUL remarks about people who vote different than you. God does not vote one way or another. Secretly, I believe Jesus votes as I do. I know that is crazy. (I'm joking, calm down) I know we are all humans and cannot help our crazy thoughts. But, you can help spreading the hate. If you are a Christian, please do not put out hateful messages. That is the opposite of what our Lord stands for. 

He calls us to die to ourselves and love our neighbor. Love is the most important thing, not who we vote for. I believing having your own opinion is VERY important. Yet, I think respecting others opinion is even more important. Someone is not an idiot for thinking differently than you.

I don’t know if anyone will read this or care. I just have to say something. We are living representations of Jesus Christ. No wonder people are so turned off by the church. Our reputation is bad. Let's listen to our God and STOP judging and START loving. Let's show our love in our actions. That is how this world is going to change. We are human and fall short, but if we choose to love above all else I believe people will be able to see the Lord in us no matter how broken we are.

Your words are very powerful. You are bringing love or hate into this world. Be careful about what you are choosing to say. I hope you know I am not judging you. I mess up all the time. I am just afraid of people being pushed away from Jesus so I feel like I had to write something.

Thank you!

Let these quotes challenge you:

“The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians: who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.” - Brennan Manning

"I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it." -Voltaire

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” - Martin Luther King Jr. 

To my friends who are not Christians,

Please forgive us for constantly falling short of our call. We let our way get in the way of what God truly wants. We are not supposed to be known as hateful people. We are supposed to be the most accepting people in the world. Don’t let our shortcomings block you off from Christ. No Christian is ever perfect, only God. You are loved by God no matter what!!!

Pastor Jeff

It has been almost two months since Pastor Jeff has passed away. It has been the strangest thing for me because it still doesn’t feel real. It’s hard to imagine there won’t be another Tuesday night of prayer. I also was out of town on the day of the memorial service so I did not get to attend. On top of that, I was out of town for all the different get-togethers my friends had. It made it even harder for it all to sink in.

Last night I had a dream someone said his name and I just started crying. It’s been on my mind a lot. At the same time I feel like I can’t talk about it. I know I can't hold it in any longer so I am doing the thing that frees me the most when life overwhelms me. I write.

I need to write about this man because he had a profound effect on my life. I did not get to share these things in the memorial setting and a part of my grieving process feels incomplete because of it. 

Pastor Jeff became my Pastor before I even knew Jesus. That did not seem to matter to him. All that mattered was I was a lost person seeking hope. He did not seem to care about my beliefs as much as he cared about loving me exactly where I was. I met him back in 2008 when my best friend Karen had invited me to the effect. Little did I know how completely life changing this one decision would be. I can still remember those Tuesday nights. I was terrified. I was uncomfortable with any talk of Jesus. But, I couldn’t deny what I found each and every Tuesday. 

For the first time in my life I found unconditional love. It was genuine and real. I ended up going to Sanctuary as well. Pastor Jeff is one of the many people who reached out to me in this time, there are lots whom I will forever be grateful to.

He prayed every Tuesday during the worship. You would just go up to him and ask for prayer. The idea was so foreign for me and I knew I would never be one of those people who ask for prayer. Finally I found my way up there, kneeling in front of the worship band, going before God with Pastor Jeff. He prayed for about a family problem, in the first time in months it was solved. I don't think all prayers get answered this quickly, God is not a genie, but it was a miracle. I still wasn’t sure about Jesus, but I knew that prayer was powerful. After that I went to Pastor Jeff for prayer every Tuesday. 

He represented a lot to me. He was a living representation of Christ before I could see Him for myself. He was not perfect by any means, but he loved like Jesus loved. He loved me at my worse. He loved me before I had anything to offer. He showed me fatherly and pastoral love. 

One thing he taught me that has always stuck was to pray to see myself as God sees me. He helped me battle those demons I faced. He taught me the Way to the Father.

His death has been devastating and truly heart breaking. It has left me with lots of questions. It reminds me how fragile life really is. All we really have is this day.

I will always remember Jeff because he is apart of my story. Every time I tell it I will remember the man who prayed with me week after week. I will remember the man who showed Jesus with his life, not just his words. My life is different because of this man.

No person is perfect, Jeff was not ashamed of his demons. He taught us how to face our own by his battle. But you don’t have to be perfect to serve. You just have to be willing to listen to God. After failures and trials, Jeff still always looked for ways to help others. He was apart of bringing God’s kingdom to Earth.

I love you Jeff and I will always be thankful for the impact you had on my life. I sent this verse to Jeff a few years ago...

For God is not unjust. He will not forget how hard you have worked for him and how you have shown your love to him by caring for other believers, as you still do. From Hebrews 6:10. 

When Jeff was going through a hard time I wanted him to know that it didn’t take away from all that he had done for me and my friends who went to the effect. 

The bible goes on to say,  Our great desire is that you will keep on loving others as long as life lasts, in order to make certain that what you hope for will come true…… And that is exactly what Jeff did.

He is always going to be someone I look up to, someone I am fond of, and someone who I will miss. Your absence is noticeable and that will not change with time.

Life is too short. Take time to tell someone the impact they had on your life.  I am so grateful I got to tell him thank you for all he had done for me. I wrote him a letter once to tell him how much he meant to me, I want to leave you with his response…

“Hey Megan- This really touches my heart and I know this is what the Lord wanted us to build- a place where the words are in line with His love. It is a tall order in this world and the enemy hates what we have done in Him. You are the souls that Jesus wants to bring home- you have the ears to hear Him and the courage to go against the grain of this world which, temporarily belongs to Satan. I know you are hearing from Jesus as your letter is going to give enthusiasm to the weary leaders at the Effect as well as me. Thank you from my heart to yours- In Christ- Pastor Jeff”

(I sent the letter to the leaders at the effect as well)

One thing I am so thankful for is that I did get to write Jeff a letter. If you read this I challenge you to write someone a letter. Not a text message or a phone call. Facebook does not count. Ok, I guess those are acceptable too... but, seriously, write someone a letter. Tell them how much they mean to you. Thank them for sticking around when no one else did. It is sad when we save these things for the funerals. Even though I missed Jeff's memorial I had already shared all these words with him. That is the most important thing. It is uncomfortable, scary, and vulnerable. But, even more than that it is important. You never know how badly someone needs to hear what they mean to you. Relationships are the most important thing in our lives. People. Not money, or clothes, or things. Value people above all else, and do scary things like telling them how much they mean to you.

“It's funny: I always imagined when I was a kid that adults had some kind of inner toolbox full of shiny tools: the saw of discernment, the hammer of wisdom, the sandpaper of patience. But then when I grew up I found that life handed you these rusty bent old tools - friendships, prayer, conscience, honesty - and said 'do the best you can with these, they will have to do'. And mostly, against all odds, they do." Anne Lamott

mustard seeds

"Nobody goes to church because they're perfect. If you've got it all together, you don't need to go. You can go jogging with all the other perfect people on Sunday morning. Every time you go to church, you're confessing again to yourself, to your family, to the people you pass on the way there, to the people who will greet you there, that you don't have it all together. And that you need their support. You need their direction. You need some accountability. You need some help." -- R. Mullins

^31-32 Then he put another parable before them: “the kingdom of Heaven is like a tiny grain of mustard-seed which a man took and sowed in his field. As a seed it is the smallest of them all, but it grows to be the biggest of all plants. It becomes a tree, big enough for birds to come and nest in its branches.” Matthew 13:31-32 Phillips Translation

It’s a mustard seed. Things don’t change overnight. They GROW! God will heal you day by day as you go to Him. Last night I was reminded of how far God has brought me. I am convinced if He can change my life He can change ANYONES. First of all, I didn’t believe in Him. That was really holding me back haha. And secondly, I was so broken that things seemed hopeless. Everything was falling apart in my life, including myself. This was 5 years ago now. 

I can’t believe how time flies. I haven’t been to the effect in years. Last night my heart was heavy because I was missing Jeff who recently passed away. He was my pastor at the effect so I just wanted to be there. Now for my first year or maybe two there Jeff prayed for me every single week. So I show up this Tuesday not knowing a single person (at first all my friends were late-typical.) I saw the same leaders who show up week after week to keep serving God and pass along some hope to those of us who so badly need it. Somehow they ended up asking me to be one of the people to pray with the woman who came to worship that night. I got to pray with someone else. I knew Pastor Jeff would have been so proud. I hope he somehow was able to see from heaven. I don't know how all that works.

Now that might not sound like a big deal to you, but if you knew the person I was when I came to the effect you would know what a miracle it was. I used to be terrified to even walk up there and ask for prayer. It was literally this debate in my head working up the courage to even walk up there & ask. It was all so new to me that it was completely terrifying for a ton of different reasons. Now I was able to pray for someone else. 5 years. I am a different person. What God can do with 5 years is beyond me. All we do is bring Him our days, and the days start adding up of us seeking something Holy, and in the midst of it all we are being transformed.

None of this happened because of something special I did. I’ve just learned we go to God no matter what. Even if our prayers are simply “God I don’t want you right now.” “God I don’t trust you.” God loves our honest prayers no matter how “incorrect” they may seem. He can completely transform any situation. Keep showing up. Stay with people seeking out the same things. Pray. Never stop praying. It all started with me praying every day for God to reveal himself to me when I didn’t believe.

I write this because none of this seemed possible for me. This life was beyond my reach. I thought fear, insecurity, and pain would always consume me. God has set me free. I write this hoping that you get to experience what I have and what I keep experiencing as I still have some ways to go.I am not the little girl I was when I found the effect all those years ago.

It is a mustard seed. It grows. Don’t expect everything to get better overnight. God doesn’t work on the human terms of instant gratification. God works in a much better way, truly healing us. He cares so much about you and me. It's a relationship we get to have with Him. So if you are stuck in some situation you can’t get out- whether it is a bad relationship, fear, depression, insecurity, self hatred, alcohol abuse….whatever. I’m not saying all the problems go away. It’s still life. Life can be very hard at times. I hate when people deny that because the bible doesn’t deny that. But, in the midst of all that we can find something beautiful. We can find healing we never thought was possible. God is always there to make us new.

Our circumstances may not change but God will give you an incredible gift, a changed heart. I hope & pray you can awaken to the God who loves you more than you could ever know. There are amazing communities around us there to help us find this new life God has to offer.

Remember what Jesus said, the kingdom of God is like a mustard seed. The smallest of all seeds but it grows to be the biggest of all plants. So if all you have is a little tiny bit of hope, or a little tiny bit of faith… or willingness to seek God, that is enough. 

Don't let fear hold you back and let you miss out on the life God has planned for you. It is way better than anything you could have planned for yourself. I promise you that. I can tell you all the faith I had was about the size of a mustard seed. It was tiny. Microscopic. The fear & pain were a lot bigger than the faith I had at the time, but you don't need to rely on your own strength to change things but on God's.

"Sometimes in the heat of the toil of my labor I give in to fits of selfish rage - frustration more over my lack of skill than over my apartment's progress. But late at night when I look over the piles of dust and dry wall and knee-deep debris that remain during this reconstructive effort, I am strangely moved by the place and I proclaim the gospel to it softly. I say, 'I know how it hurts to be torn up. I am often choked on the litter left by my own remodeling. I know what it's like to settle (by the grave act of a strong will) into the despair of believing that you are wasted space. I have felt the blows of heavy hammers that nailed me to a sense of uselessness. I have been shaped by some pretty careless workers who came to the task of making me and lacked any craftsmanship or artistry. I know the pain of wanting to be changed and yet being distrustful of changes, of wanting to be worked on, but being suspicious of the intentions of the Worker. But here is some good news: He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. However messy it may be now, however confusing and scary it appears, however endless the task may seem, we will some day be glorious, beautiful, alive! There is much tearing out to do - a lot to give up. No thin coat of new paint, no shallow, petty piety will do. It's not good enough to cover up imperfection, it must be corrected. Art, beauty, function - these things take time. They may take till the day of Christ Jesus.'" -- R. Mullins

PS I am so thankful for the church that showed me the love of Christ in such a way that compelled me to keep showing up before I believed. Sanctuary and the Effect gave me the gift of hope & my life is different because of it. I love you guys! I now know church doesn't have to be a bad thing ;) It was so nice to be HOME last night.