Hunger

A few months ago I fasted. I’ve only done it 3 times. My average is less than once a year for each year I’ve been a Christian. Lucky for me I don’t have to try to earn God’s love by fasting or any other spiritual discipline. BUT, there is very valuable lessons hidden in these disciplines.

I knew I was in trouble because I was making my ministry all about me saving it all. I had to call on God. I had to make him my focus, so I fasted. I am aware I risk losing all award in heaven by telling you I fasted. I am assuming my bad attitude already cancelled out all holiness points anyways. 

I was expecting some beautiful spiritual experience. Perhaps it would be something really spiritual where I would be one with Jesus and Mother Teresa. 

What really happened wasn’t pretty. Fasting revealed so much more of my heart than I was expecting. To put it simply: I was a mess. I was so impatient, annoyed, and angry. This was on my day of truly seeking the Lord…

But what my physical hunger revealed was my spiritual hunger. All I could think about was how hungry I was. My hunger constantly drew me to the Lord. As crazy as I was that day, I felt safe in God's love. I was constantly reminded of God, constantly drawn to prayer. 

It made me think of how so often we don’t even let ourselves feel hungry. We just fill ourselves with whatever. I eat like crap. I’m changing that thanks to my lovely friends at trader joes. I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER WHEN I EAT BETTER! I do the same thing in my life, I fill my time and heart with crap when my soul is really hungering for God. Fasting revealed to me my poverty. 

God is always there. His love is constant and my soul craves it. But, I am just too darn human. I mess up. I fill myself with cheap imitations of the Father’s love. But nothing really satisfies. I feel off. Like how crappy you feel when you eat McDonalds. Just because America calls it food, doesn’t mean it’s really food. How many things do we fill ourselves with and just settle for the false sense of security.

Come back to the Lord. Give yourself a chance to feel your own hunger. Turn away from the distractions. Only when you face your own emptiness can the Lord fill you up with His love. 

Sunflowers

I am a firm believer in buying yourself flowers, although my room mates would be quick to argue that it is a red flag that screams future cat lady. I disagree.

For so long I depended on other people to make me happy. For so long I depended on my circumstances to bring me joy. But, God is teaching me something new. How to be content with the right now, and that so much of my life is going to be based on my perspective. 

This morning at work I kept thinking... i have to be at work. But, then I stopped and thought about all the things I love about my job and the fact that I'm in good enough health to even be working, and taking care of myself. My attitude changed to i get to work. Thank you God. I could start to see everything as a gift. That one gift leads to another. My health gives me the ability to work. The gift to walk, to run, to see. The basic things I take for granted each day. 

I am too damn sensitive and a lot of days I think life is too hard. And, it is hard. I believe we live in this broken world. We are so desperate for God down here. But, in spite of all that there is beauty surrounding us. There are gifts every where. When I put my focus on all those things my heart fills up with joy and love... and God.

My challenge to you is to go through today with eyes wide open to all the good things in your life.

It could change everything. 

And..... sometimes I try to be grateful and pray and I still feel like crap. I try to trust that God loves me anyways and buy myself some flowers.

“Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.” Henri Nouwen

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.  Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:8-9

 

Home

Today I found out Brennan Manning went Home this weekend. I was camping with new friends so obviously I was still trying to disguise my craziness. "Act normal". So  when I heard about his passing I didn't want to lose it. But, I couldn't help but cry. And every time I thought I was done the tears kept coming. It was one of those moments that truly was bitter sweet. One would think by my tears or the multiple condolences I received from friends who had heard of the news that I actually did know him.

Heartbreaking. I'm going to New Jersey in a month, and I really thought I was somehow going to meet this hero of mine.

But what really made me cry was thinking about the beautiful moment this man was finally Home with our Father in Heaven. My heart filled with overwhelming joy to think of Brennan running into his Abba’s arms. He had faced so much hardship in his life, and despite it all stayed faithful to Jesus and his ministry. No matter how many times he failed he ran back to God and clung to that grace he was so grateful to share with us. I can’t imagine after all of it to be finally be with Jesus and hear him say, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” I am so happy for him. I know what it feels like to struggle with self-hate and all your brokenness and want so badly to serve the Lord but you keep getting in the way. He finally gets to hear what he’d been longing to hear all these years. He finally is home. No more pain. I know how hard it is to stay with God in this broken world of ours. And he did it. He fought the good fight and finished the race. 

I will always love this man. Our backgrounds and struggles are similar, almost identical. He taught me that it doesn't matter how broken you are, you are never beyond the reach of God’s love… EVER.  As Brennan would simply say,
“God loves you as you are, not as you should be, because none of us are as we should be.” He showed me I can do it. Jesus is for me – that even though all the odds may be against me with my circumstances, that the love of the Father is bigger than all those things.

The Ragamuffin Gospel brought me to a turning point in my life. It taught me the meaning of grace and how to trust my Father. He is a part of the reason I want to write.  I've always been drawn to it, but he showed me it matters. One person can make a difference for Jesus. He guided me to my Abba’s arms, a place that is now my home. He showed me the path. He always pointed back to God truly boasting in the cross alone, not his own glory. I love this man. I want to write because of how powerful our words are. This man I never met had a profound effect on my life. Showing me God’s love & helping me overcome my own battle with self hate. Some of us find ourselves in these book, some of us are raised by authors. They mean everything to us. On those days when I felt so alone he gave me the encouragement I needed to hang on to Jesus. No matter what.

And I am so happy he's finally home. I can't imagine that moment in heaven with all the angels rejoicing. Jesus crying, along with Brennan. The moment the lost is truly found. We have an amazing God and last night I was trying to think of blog names and I was thinking ragamuffin ramblings. Now that I've found out the news I'm going to do that. Because this man taught me that we are all ragamuffins unconditionally loved by the father and I will forever be grateful. Brennan would have never been able to reach so many of us if it wasn’t for what Jesus did on the cross. Rest in peace sweet Brennan. I can't wait to meet you one day in Heaven. Thank you for all you did for me with your words and for being faithful to Jesus no matter what it cost you. You inspired me to think I can do the same thing.

I don’t know where to begin with writing. I want to say something that helps someone, but I guess I can only do what the authors I admire have done. Write about what God has done in my life and hope & pray that it moves you to reach out to the God of infinite compassion and love.

“Suffering, failure, loneliness, sorrow, discouragement, and death will be part of your journey, but the Kingdom of God will conquer all these horrors. No evil can resist grace forever.”BM